Writings on the Wall

The Mysterious Future

2011-02-15T22:41:00.000-08:00

"What if I knew 10 years from now I would meet the love of my life, what would I do with my life until then? What if I knew that I would die tomorrow? Well that would ruin tonight." A rough quote from a recent episode of the CW's Hellcats.

This year has been a rough one for many people. Working in a neurosurgeon's office has made things, such as the value of life and how precious it is, more real over the last four years. Something so little can take the gift of life away in the space between one breath and the next or the snap of a finger. In just the space of 24 hours, I have learned of the death of the relatives of two of my friends.

No death is ever easy, nor is it in any way forgiving on those that are close or most affected but hearing the above quote tonight shifted the focus on something else. That while many of us think it would be great to learn how we would die, or maybe even when, it is the mystery of what life has that makes it all easier to bear. If one were to know how they would die, would one not live in fear for that event to finally occur? Might one even not live their life to the fullest hoping to cheat death by refusing to allow the opportunity of that event to occur?

Not presuming to know exactly what the author of the quote means, I know what I take away from hearing it. The knowledge of when or how we will see that blinding light at the end of the tunnel would ruin the sweet joys of everything proceeding that moment. Would the joys of living be worth actually enjoying if we knew was there to meet us? I suppose some would argue yes, but while I may agree, I cannot help but think those joys maybe a little more tainted as the countdown to that moment dwindled.

To step away for the moment from the saddest portion of the quote, let me focus on the thought of love. I have been known to say that it would be great if I had a map to life, one that did not necessarily tell me exactly when things would occur, rather it be a map that would serve as a summary of basic plot points that would be a reminder that one day, I will get there. While I will not take back those statements, as knowing that there is turbulence ahead or that there was smooth sailing over yonder, for that would be helpful information!, I do understand that knowing these things may hinder my discovery of joy along the way. If I were to hypothetically know that I would meet the ultimate love of my life 10 years from now, why would I bother to go out on dates and set myself up for unnecessary heartache and heartbreak?

Someone said to me today during a discussion about pending loss that "no matter how bad you think your life is, there is someone whose life is worse". For other reasons not worth mentioning, I forgot about that this afternoon until I received news of the second passing and then watched tonight's episode of Hellcats, then it all came crashing back, making my personal stress tonight seem like the tiny stone it really is in the grand scheme of things, rather than the huge boulder I thought it was in the moment.While the future remains a mystery, it is that mystery that has the capabilities of bring great joy and everlasting memories and it is my friends that help me get through all the negativity and sadness that may ever come my way. I just hope, that for those who have suffered loss, either recently or in years past, that they can say the same thing about their friends.

Change, Moving on, and "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room"

2011-02-07T00:26:00.000-08:00

This weekend was one of those with plenty of uphills but plenty of downhills. Tonight though, I am happy to say it has at least leveled off. This weekend was spent in various ways that ranged from taking my father to see one of the remaining P-38 Lightnings fly, learning more about its history to meeting new people to making dinner for my family, all of which have generated memories of their own kind.

Scrolling through blogs over the weekend has helped me remember memories that have otherwise been forgotten, for which I am very glad. Memories of what it is like to meet new people, wondering where they will lead to what it was like to one night long ago sit on a piano bench with a very close friend and watch his fingers as they played the piano's pearly white keys. I hope that life will never just be about the memories already created, that it will be more about living and creating new memories.

The journey so far has been an interesting one and this is just the current chapter in my life. As it progresses, I can't help but think about the concept of moving on. Wondering if somethings are just another "sinking ship" that you wonder presently and later, if you should have gotten off a long time ago. Though I am on my way to being at a good point in my life, I wonder at times when would have been the right time to jump over the rails to swim for shore, if that time was early on and I just chose to ignore the signs or if my timing is not late, but just right. I suppose there is never any one good time because there will always be the danger of sharks, shallow waters due to coral or the hidden stingray with its barbed stinger poised in defense, but what is life worth if you don't take that occasional leap of faith?

Sometimes life calls for testing limits in various way and capacities because why limit yourself by pulling up short when you don't know where those limits truly lay just because of fear or uncertainty? (Better said than done, I agree.) I've pondered this many times in the last few months, even years, in different ways; in addition, to wondering what is actually worth the time and energy when it is so clear that things are going down hill and are not likely to get any better. For each person, I would suppose the answer to this enigma would be different and would change during the different stages of their life. For a child it would certainly be worth the wait to just get a glimpse of Santa Claus to tell that jolly man "Merry Christmas" just once or catch the Tooth fairy as she trades out that lost tooth for a small token. For a young teenage girl, hope would hold out for just a little hint that her crush noticed her as she hides behind her book, shyly smiling at him. For struggling spouses, it might be worth it for a while to put as much time and energy into a sinking relationship, whether for the kids sake or for the hope that their differences can be ironed out.

Bottom line is that as people evolve, so will what their answer will be as it applies to their hopes, dreams, and expectations during that moment in time. While watching videos on YouTube.com tonight, I stumbled across a cover of John Mayer's "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" by Michael Henry and Justin Robinett, I personally love this rendition of the song, though the lyrics are exactly the same. I can see this as it applies to many things in the world like holding onto innocence or dreams/hopes/ideals or a relationship (friendship, professional, or romantic).

While at times the lyrics may seem dark and depressing, I remind myself that while situations do call for letting go and moving on, there is also hope that like a Phoenix, something better, greater, and stronger will rise from "the ashes of yesterday" to begin a new start today. I see endings and moving on from things as the author tying up the ends of one chapter, taking a breather, picking up a pen or the keyboard to begin the journey that will unfold in the following pages, a result of what was learned in those preceding chapter/pages.

While I hope for more than one change and to move on in more than one way this year, I am constantly aware of the things that I have learned and how I have learned them to become the person I am today. While sometimes "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" is painful, it is the event that must occur to lead to what lies ahead, just beyond the bend.

Re-Invention and Discovery

2011-02-03T22:47:00.000-08:00

Going back and starting over, isn't this a concept we all face at some point or another? Some of us, more than once. Reinvention of ourselves and who we believe ourselves to be is something that is very important as we are ever evolving.

Recently, I have decided to make some changes in my life that may have been a long time coming. A part of this I suppose is rediscovering this blog and revisiting some of it's posts. In some ways I have grown and yet other ways I have stayed the same. That is really to be expected though as we all grow over time. We learn to constantly evolve as humans, drawing lessons from experiences, people around us, and things we observe. It would only be natural to take a moment out of the busy lives we lead to really digest those tidbits of information that we have stored tosee how these events and encounters have really changed us and our outlook.

It really defines someone to be able to look externally at ourselves and see how those things have changed us for the better, and more importantly, the worse. I'm not saying this applies to myself as I am constantly learning about who I am and who I continue to be. However, lately I have gone on interviews and something is constantly being addressed during the process of them all. They ask how I feel about the tasks I perform on a scale of 1-10, 1 needing lots of improvement and 10 being perfect. Every time I am asked, I answer honestly, that I feel nothing I do will ever be a 10, that nothing I do will ever reach perfection to the point where nothing else can be done to enhance the tasks I perform, the way I perform them, or the way I handle the situation. This is for the simple reason that those who feel they are "perfect" have not learned everything they can in a given situation. I suppose this goes hand in hand with re-invention and the process of evolution in its many forms.

When someone feels they have achieve absolute perfection, they are actually faulted into believing they know everything there is to learn about a task, process, idea, themselves, etc. It would be in this time that they will actually learn the least and thus become obsolete as the world passes them by and new technology, procedures, as well as, knowledge itself evolves into something more sophisticated based off of it's previous form and state. Life and existence is a constantly changing force as the effect of outside influences cannot always be predicted or foreseen due to the many various unpredictable factors involved.

Realizing our faults and that there is always room for improvement in the way we are constructed, the things we believe, and the way we exist will only allow us to see further growth in ourselves and our society. As a landscape changes by the river that flows at its banks, we must also realize that forces beyond our control will also be making efforts of their own to change the shape and scope of existence and knowledge. These changes that will be seen in our own lives on a small scale and/or the world on a larger scale depending on the forces at hand. Things are not always singular as "I" or one but are often more complex structures of multiples and it is in dealing with the multiples and realizing that things go beyond the singular is where the challenge often lies.

The evolution of all of these concepts and the rediscovery of them with the new found knowledge will lead to re-invention of a simple idea or concept, identity or being, solution or challenge. In all of these, is where changes can be made on a small scale to be implemented later on a larger, more complex scale. Starting small, by either publishing this post or taking the time to read what I have written, will cause the effect of change later on a larger scale, by restarting my life as a blogger or learning new ways to do things, and yet go on to cause the effect of change on a bigger after that. Call it a pyramid of re-invention or whatever you will, I just know that by deciding a few weeks ago the time for change was now, the process of re-invention of myself has started.

I hope to in the coming weeks to learn more about myself and what/who is really important to me. It will be an interesting journey that maybe full of potholes on bad days and excessive uphill speed on good days. For tonight though, I am more content with where I maybe heading than I have been in a long time. I hope the process will allow me to re-invent and rediscover my own knowledge of myself into a self that is everything I hope to become and take notes of what I want to be in the future.

Cleaning Up

2009-04-21T17:49:00.000-07:00

EEEkkkkk!! the semester is coming to an end and I am losing my mind! So many things to do that I can't really keep track. So what do I do instead of doing my homework or projects or God forbid listening to my professor, I'm trying to clean up my life in more ways than one. Getting rid of some stuff is surprisingly-almost disturbingly-easy, others as you imagine, not so much.

I got an email the other day from a-dare I call him-former friend. We had a major falling out last semester and haven't spoken since. I've moved on, by realizing that somethings aren't worth the energy of constantly stressing over. I had pretty much put him out of my mind, until the other day. I received an email from him. He apologized and said he wanted to give our friendship another chance as he was graduating in May.

Looking at the words on my screen, I found myself annoyed. I never asked for an apology, nor did I ever want one. I look at college as a growing experience, I have made mistakes, regret a few things, and I have learned a lot. From this particular relationship I learned about myself, who I wanted as a friend, and where I draw the line. Maybe he was right calling me childish for reasons beyond my comprehension, and if he was right, then well I have grown.

If your wondering, I have yet to respond and honestly doubt that I will. Not because I want to spite him, but I really don't feel the need to. Maybe that in itself is childish, and maybe even writing this blog is childish, but I honestly felt like I am moving on from this and this is my final note on the matter. As this experience comes to a close, this aspect of my life and this former friendship is also closed and put behind me.

Ain't No Doubt About It

2009-03-04T22:12:00.001-08:00

So much has happened this last week, it has almost been overwhelming. But who cares about Moby Dick, struggles with writing, and back pain when there is so much more going on!!!

The more positive things: I bought No Doubt Paramore Tickets...which cost me a pretty penny, as I accidentally bought tickets for the wrong date then had to hustle my ass to get tickets to the night I really wanted. I'm just happy to go see Paramore!!!! (One of my guilty pleasures)

Aside from this, I have been able to take 5 seconds out of this week to appreciate the fact that I have what I do. On Monday, my cousin had brain surgery which could alter his life in many ways, for better and worse. At the moment things are looking up for him and the family, which is a big relief. This especially as I have had many aspects of my job where I have had to skirt the issue that our older doctor passed away a month and a half ago. Today an insurance company requested a letter certified from him in order to process something for another one of our doctors. I asked how they proposed to do that, when I am SURE Dr. Richland is somewhere surrounded by adorable and gorgeous women, with better things to do then write letters to insurance companies from beyond the grave.

Two years now and I have seen some interesting things, dealt with various annoyance and allowed myself to adjust to the surroundings of the office. In hard times such as these, many of my friends are graduating from college, high school, and different other stages in their life that lead them to a world that is not so open to new additions. This recession is hard on everyone, but I have noticed this is especially true for these graduating students. What do we do as we get out there, in a society where there is not many opportunities? It's difficult to establish our roots or beginnings when there is no where available to plant.

Difficult times, man, Difficult times. Lets be thankful that we have our lives, health, friends, and education (no matter how little or how much)

Don't bank on it.

2009-02-21T17:41:00.001-08:00

I've been neglecting my poor friend i know, but there have been many things that I have been choosing to ignore the last few weeks. Like to go to grad school or not, being told my work was "unbalanced", other odds and ends at home. Finally there was something that I am not so able to ignore as it kinda screws with my ability to only depend on myself at the moment.

Thats right, Thursday night, I had nothing better to do and thought it would be fun to put my car up on the embankment of the interchange. As my mom said this morning, I caused a sig alert for the first time, and hopefully last time of my life. I lost control of my car and spun out, hitting a little curb, spinning again, hitting it again, then the spinning again to end up with my butt lodged in the dirt embankment.

What I'm really bummed about is everyone yelled at me to not get out of my car, so i have no pictures to share of my handiwork. =[ The biggest tragedy of this whole mess, I'm sure. But I have to say, I have never been more terrified that my car was going to roll and that I may not make it home. Only have I had thoughts like this two times in my life, ironically-or not-it was the night the breaks went out on my first car. (I have great luck don't I? Honestly, I'm seriously dreading that saying about the "third time")

I know how extremely lucky I have been both times, to come out only psychologically worse for wear, with my car once again in the shop. Everyone we talk to tells me that they know "THAT CURVE". In fact, the extremely lovely tow truck guy who was on his second hour of overtime, told us that a few days prior, he was changing a tire on that same curve when a car came up and rolled four times. So yes, I know how lucky I am to still be here, to be able to experience the pain in the ass moments life inevitably dishes out.

So my friends, Know that I love you and Cherish you. So have fun, but please drive safe, and what do you say about taking care of yourself?

Patterns, Symbols, and Motifs

2009-01-27T16:58:00.000-08:00

Narrative theory. Who thought there was this much to say about simply writing a story. Though, in all honestly, it's not really about narrative theory, more rather of a deconstruction version of looking at literature....once again.

As we go over the misreading of signs, it becomes clear once again, that when not thinking clearly, or for one's self, one can be lead astray. At the point where they realize they are off track, one must once again find their way back onto their own path.

This applies to many things right? Discovery of one's future, purpose, or being is a journey in which we are often lead astray by many things that distract us along the way. Am I going off course by finishing my college life at this stage? For a over simplified explanation that is simply, I am tired of school and there is no reason to continue school at this stage when I'm not even sure what I want to do. I suppose some of the theory examined today would suggest I am getting off track and need to once again discover where I am in relation to who I am and what/where I want to be.

How many times do we get off track from our real purpose or goals? I'm sure more then we ourselves would realize.

REJOYCE!!!

2009-01-23T21:06:00.000-08:00

After many year of separation, I get the message that one of the bestest best people in the WORLD is coming back to town! And I am Soooo freaking excited because I love this guy like no other, he's like the brother I never had. I can't tell you how much shit we've been through together and with him coming back, I will have another piece of my heart back!!!

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE my bff and my bro

Tetris, a New Treatment?

2009-01-22T12:54:00.000-08:00

Some assignments lead you to startling new advise, ideas, etc. My last health assignment requires the students to find different health articles and summarize them. The latest article I summarized talked about the effects that playing Tetris may have on those that have witness traumatic events.

In the study, they showed both a control group and a variant group the same violent videos and pictures. The control group sat in a room while the variant group played Tetris. This group was less likely to experience reoccurring nightmares or flashbacks from the video and pictures.

Is it possible that the brain may only be able to handle doing so much at a given time that it is unable to process the images seen and the activity/facilities necessary to play Tetris at the same time? It's an interesting concept that instead of desensitizing soldiers and victims or witnesses of crime, we can simply overload their minds with an old fashion game? When does this stop being effective?

As gaming continues to grow in popularity, will this type of treatment have a postitive effect on children who grew up in abusive atmospheres? Will it help them heal, or worse, will it desensitize them into thinking things are okay? Clearly, there is no real answer to my questions yet, but will there be one day? Are we becoming to dependent on technology and the effects they have on the brain to find other solutions or alternatives?

C.O.D.

2009-01-21T12:35:00.000-08:00

What is it? was the question my professor asked the class. Easy question deserves the most obvious answer right? But sometimes shouting out "CAUSE OF DEATH" is not a good idea. When giving the "obvious answer" one needs to take into consideration what class they are actually in. A lesson, so recently discovered by me. For what would have been an appropriate answer if I were in my health class, was the WRONG answer for my accounting class.

Yes, I know...brilliance.

"I caught myself, I had to stop myself,
from saying something I should have never thought"

College, The Final Chapter.

2009-01-20T15:31:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how this last semester fills me with dread, hope, and some other unidentifiable mixture of feelings. As I sit waiting for the last few pages of the chapter about my undergraduate college life come to a close, I sit on the verge of something new.

The view is tantalizing, sensational, and glorifying, while it is also terrifying and ominous as the day of graduation creeps nearer. This roller coaster ride has had it's share of peaks, spins, and daring drops, but it has been gratifying for all the things I have achieved and been able to survive the last few years. Who thought I would make it to the finish line this fast? Certainly not myself, but what does that matter? I'm here now, rushing ahead with my chin up and eyes open a little wider to take every last detail in.

Sitting in my Narrative Writing class, I'm struck with the funny feeling that this maybe the last time that I will be able to write in such a setting where I can be free and allowed to make any error that I wish regardless of my intent, to not be forced to develop something I do not wish to. These last few weeks I have had a dry spell in my writing, really rare, but not totally unexpected. I walk into class and suddenly hundreds of ideas come rushing at me with the speed of light. I can't wait to pick up the proverbial pen to get those last few drops of ink out before someone thrust another one into my hand. Will this new pen be something more than I could every dream? I have no clue, but until that moment comes I will enjoy the last few strokes that this beloved one still has left within it's body.

What is the future? What are we to embark upon next? Walking down the halls on campus and in the class room, so many people are talking about today's historic events. Where were you the day Obama was sworn into office? I can only reply sitting in my Accounting class, thinking of food to keep me awake. Will this be a beginning to a new era? It looks hopeful, yet is the future still clouded with decisions that have still yet to be made?

The first thing people ask when they hear you are on the doorstep of graduation, they ask what do you plan to do after graduation with your life. I have no plans yet, just a vague idea of what I wish my future to contain. I'm okay with that. I see no reason to plan out my future, is that so wrong? I have goals and I have dreams that I wish to achieve, but who doesn't? I just don't feel the pressing need to decide which path to take when I finish the one I am currently on. I figure, when I get there, I get there, when I find it, it will be there. What's the rush to grow up and move into the real world?

Rough Road Ahead

2009-01-10T16:12:00.001-08:00

Ever wish that life would just hold up a traffic sign that would tell you that there is going to be some bumps in the road or turbulence in the air? It would certainly make things easier because one would think we would be better prepared for whatever it was life decided to throw at us.

This last week was especially rough yet peaceful. I went back to school on Monday so my schedule was like this:

7:10 Wake up and get out of the apartment
7:30 Find parking at Pierce
8:00-12:25 Accounting
1:00-5:00ish Work
7:00 Head back to Pierce to find parking
7:30-10:00 Health

Pretty hectic with a lot of driving involved, but what can you do? If it helps you reach your goals, then why the hell not deal with it for a few more weeks. But that isn't really the rough road. (Although coming into work sometimes was pretty rough) Wednesday I get a call from my mother, my grandfather was admitted to the hospital. Thursday I get a call from my dad, my grandmother was admitted to the hospital. Friday we get a call at work that one of our doctors passed away.

It was a very sad and unpredictable end to the week that is for sure. But as we stood in the office and grieved, we realized that our lives were forever changed by Dr. Richland and for that we became different people by just knowing him. It was clear every time he came into the office that he brought a smile to everyone's face and that we suddenly became alive when he walked through the door. Through him we knew courage, strength, love, and compassion. Even though he has passed, it is something we will always carry within us and something that will always make us smile whenever we hear his name or see his picture.

Not typically a peaceful week right? For some reason though, I was able to do a lot of evaluation of my life and surround myself with people I care about. Last night was a culmination of it with a badly timed comment, dinner, a fake birthday, and a movie. Every night this week, I went to sleep feeling oddly at peace with myself, who I am and where I'm at in my life. Maybe it was all the exhaustion taking its toll but for once in a really long time I was able to close my eyes knowing more about myself then I have recently.

Maybe it is the rough roads or the spontaneous detours that give us the opportunity to settle our minds and focus on the basics where we learn the most about ourselves. Then again, maybe it is just the simple focuses on how to just get through today where we realize where the excess baggage is.

Such A Girl

2009-01-06T22:11:00.000-08:00

My Mergan reminded me of one of the most basic facts the other day. That I am a Girl. I suppose it is not so out of the blue.

Background needs to be filled in a little I suppose. Most of my guy friends think of me either as Sam with my own quirks or as one of the guys because no subject is really off limits and I share many of their views regarding other girls, relationships, and life. When I do something out of their normal Sam Ideas, a flag goes up saying GIRL Alert. Not that I really mind, nor do I ever take offense.

Anyways, this came up because I told him I had plans to see Twilight for a second time with one of my girlfriends. He asked why I would do such a thing and my response was because I wanted to stare at Robert Pattinson for another 120 minutes. Yeah, I have the veggie vamp fever. But in my own defense I liked him Pre-Twilight. so HA!

But, it is times like these when most of my friends come up with no response or one that is just like his, That I am Such a Girl. While i cannot help it, I find it amusing and great. It's good to keep those around you on their toes and enjoyable to watch for their reactions.

The Single Life

2009-01-02T21:19:00.000-08:00

Have you ever encountered someone who intrigued you to moment you met them? Someone that immediately you knew you wanted to know more about? You decide to take the chance and try to learn more about them. Gradually maybe you do start to develop something with the thought that maybe that person will be the answer to that illusive something that has been missing, whether as a girlfriend or boyfriend or just a plain old friend. Maybe they will add that excitement or become that companion you have been missing. Either way you learn more about them and begin to question what drew you to them in the first place. Hopefully you find that missing link. If not then it just makes you realize that maybe you need to be looking for something different.

In an extended sense, does this not also apply to long term relationships? When those relationships come to a point where you just question why that certain someone held your interest for so long. How do you let go of all that time and energy you invested into that relationship, when you still may have some sort of feelings for them? Is it that the relationship is just lacking the excitement it once had or maybe that the boredom have festered into something that no longer can be shocked to life.

A girlfriend and I were recently talking over dinner about relationships and being single. We realize that each situation has its own set of challenges but deep down we really wish that they didn’t. That is in the sense that how does one meet someone these days? One of our friends advertises in the personal section on Craigslist. Not for us. Picking up some random guy at the bar. Not for us either. Meeting someone at work. Definitely not likely. You see, we are still stuck with the question of where to go and what to do about meeting new people.

We both want something more from our lives and to fill that gap of companionship with someone more than a friend. But there seems to be no real way to find that one special person that really appeals to us. Is it that we are being too picky? I’m not sure. What I am sure about however is that need that constantly keeps me thinking that something is lacking in my life. Occasionally it can be filled with dinner with a friend or a night in reading a good book, but that is only a small solution to this growing need.

Now some of you may be thinking that maybe it’s just my biological clock telling me to hurry up and meet the right guy. I can assure you it’s not that. It’s not that I want to find someone to have kids with; I am in no hurry for that. I just want someone to be with, someone to love and someone to cherish and have that someone feel that way about me as well. Maybe it’s selfish, but knowing what love was like at in my teens, I want that again. I want that feeling of completion and belonging that once felt, it’s hard to not want it again. At this point I would even settle for infatuation. (Though a celebrity crush is hardly enough to be considered as infatuation when you don’t even know that person.)

Friends to Family in 365

2008-12-26T20:50:00.000-08:00

Around the holidays, the "Christmas Cheer", "Hanukkah Happiness" and the "Holiday Spirit" begin to emerge. Now that the holiday season is almost finished, I look back and reflect on this year. More importantly, I look back to around November when I began to shop for holiday presents.

After a few years of disappointing holiday seasons, I honestly was not expecting this one to be any different. However, the emergence of new friends and rediscovered family ties, have lead me to once again find the meaning of the Holiday Season.

I will admit, I haven't had the best relationship with some members of my family and after seeing one get extremely upset over the situation, I put myself out there to be a "better person". With help from the other person, we have begun to build a tentative relationship that I hope will become what it should have been to begin with. From before the exchanging of gifts, we both realized the fragile bond. After the gift exchanged and through the simple thoughtful gestures of the little things, we have found new ways in which to strengthen our bond. Crazy what apples and a crock pot can do to a family.

For another family friend, my parents and I played a sort of Santa Claus. The family suffered a tragic and hard loss before Thanksgiving, unemployment, and a extremely small budget. When we heard, we knew that with the economy the way it currently is, everyone deserves a little something. We made it our mission to make sure Santa heard about their plight. (sounds more dramatic then it was...after all, the little wonders that can happen with the help of a little letter to a jolly man in a red suit). To make the holidays better for one small family helped make the purpose of the holiday that much clearer.

Tonight was our first visit back to the Sushi restaurant my mom likes to frequent. Once again it was an enjoyable evening with good food. Before the holidays my mom brought gifts to them, simple scarves and mini maglights. Totally unexpected tonight, one of the girls comes out and give my mom a card from the restaurant with a simple explanation that we are more then customers to them, more like family. As my dad and I joke about meeting family over paying for food my mom goes to hunt down the check. She comes back in shock, the manager had paid for our dinner and the tip to our waitress. In a time where business is tough and every dollar means something, my family was truly touched by their generosity and friendliness that has created a new bond of friendship and another extension of our family this last year.

I must say though that my most fond memory of this Christmas was trying to bet my little cousin her horde of toys from Santa. I told her there were more presents under the tree for her. (I must interject that both her bag was full to the brim and there were quite a few presents still under the tree) She denied it and I asked her if she would be her bag of new toys. Boy!! that look on her face was priceless, the indecision of knowing she was probably right weighted against the hope of more presents. She eventually won her bag of toys and the presents under the tree. I love that little girl too much and it affects my pocket book but I would never trade her joy for any of the money back. (Though if she let me play with Elmo Live, I might be happier =D )

What has become so much more commercial over the years and less about the pleasure of giving, this Christmas has helped me rediscover the joys and the pleasures of a simple smile after a present picked with lots of love and emotion is opened. Whether it is a simple pair of gloves or even an apple, the meaning of the Holidays has become all the more clear.

Happy Holidays everyone! I hope everyone is safe and well.

Anesthesia Entertainment

2008-12-23T07:58:00.001-08:00

Well I’m all cozy in bed and well…possibly less wise. Yesterday the dreaded wisdom teeth came out. (It’s a great excuse for being extra loopy and stupid…but what are some people’s excuse?) Anyways, yesterday…I provided many people with entertainment. Such as the dentist nurse trying to wake me up and me refusing to, or the lady at the pharmacy when I remarked on how festive the pills were, to my dad trying to keep me from falling all over the place, to calling people and saying god knows what. Oh yes, the lesson of yesterday was to not give Sam a phone after she has been under anesthesia.

Then my stupid professor decides to call me on my cell phone saying she has miss placed my portfolio. She doesn’t have a final grade for me and she’s upset because I’m an English Major (If I was a Bio major, would she still feel the same?). Oh yeah, and grades were due later that day….now, I wanted to ask her “How do you think you got my cell phone number? Oh yeah…it was written on the inside of the portfolio you lost”…like I said, what are some people’s excuse. Luckily she called back and said she misplaced it…not very fun.

I’m afraid … very afraid. I’m watching the morning news and they have segment on the new show, Dragon Riders…it appears to be a cheesy version of Power Rangers. No wonder kids only want to play video games anymore. With this junk on television, who wouldn’t? But what is television coming to, I must ask.

It’s okay though, have you ever had a feeling of evil…or maybe better put,…no I think evil was about the right word. I woke my roommate up this morning at 6:30 to drag him to the donut shop under the explanation that you have to get there before all the good donuts are gone. (may I also put in, said roommate only had 3 hours of sleep?) like I said…evil…But at least you don’t have to live with me. =]

The Magic of Wisdom

2008-12-20T07:02:00.000-08:00

My office had the pleasure of watching the Great Magic Johnson give a talk at the Hospital. Our doctors were in surgery so we got to go!!! yay for patients. =] (Next time we are dragging Maria along with us tho!!!)

He opened with a great speech that should be filmed and placed in one of those motivational movies. He spoke of his father and how he worked with GM for 30 years!!! could you imagine that? IN MICHIGAN, his father was never late, never called in sick, nor did he even miss a day of work. In that freezing cold weather, it seems unfathomable that even under the nicest circumstances that someone would be able to keep a record such as that when most of us on the West Coast bundle up when its 50 degrees out and have to drag ourselves out of bed. From his father, Magic cited that he learned to do a job the right way, giving everything he had to a single job. It was inspiring to reflect on then and inspiring to reflect on now.

Through a speech woven with laughter, advice, and inspiration, the most touching and real moment came when he spoke of HIV.

There no words for the audience...It was almost shocking that this public figure would open up this much about something that was once considered taboo. There is little doubt that anyone in the audience would walk away after hearing that story not being touched and not realizing the pain that his decision cost him. He will now become the face that pops up in not only my mind, but others I'm sure when the topic of HIV/AIDS is spoken about.

On lighter notes he reflected on memories of the Dream Team and on Kobe saying his generation could take on the famous Dream Team. But this is my favorite part.

I must say that it was a speech everyone said was very inspiring. As do my father and roommate because they had to hear about that and the picture catastrophe all night. Needless to say they know how inspiring and what a great speaker Magic Johnson is and the lesson of passing cameras to people you know and trust.

one last thing before I part. LC + Whitney

The ever evolving female- an extension of the Cat and Mouse

2008-12-14T18:19:00.000-08:00

Ganeku, Samantha
English 313 Th 4:20
Professor Wexler
16 December 2008

Through time, the role of the woman within society and family tends to fall into the popular stereotypical view. However, despite the popular beliefs of what a woman should be in these roles, a few women have broken barriers to become the more liberal females. Instead of being the ones who meekly follow their husbands in subservient roles, these women are daring and often racy in their own rights.

To start looking at these different women portraying the same role, one could examine Tennessee Williams’ Maggie in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and Henrik Ibsen’s Maggie from A Doll’s House. Both women are able to keep their houses stable while trying to support their family in the present as well as the future. While the portrayal of these two women is often times a role reversal of traditional notions of what the woman’s role should be, they are different in the way they break away from tradition.

Maggie often plays the cat in heat; whereas, Nora plays the timid mouse with a strong backbone. Maggie tries to seduce her own husband and offers him a shoulder to lean on physically and metaphorically. Brick gets hurt jumping the hurdles because “people like to do what they used to do, even after they’ve stopped being able to do it” (Williams 44). Maggie tries to care for Brick by offering to help him move around when he drops his crutch. Similarly, Nora tries to take care of her husband Torvald when he becomes sick by taking him away from the stress of their current lives. In both of these situations Simone De Beauvoir would argue that the women are getting their role from the male, such as in a master slave relationship. They are acting on the values that have been ingrained in their psyche as the role of the women in a marriage, that they need to take care of their man when he is down to ensure they recover quickly and then will be able to take over the role once again as the provider.

Ferdinand Saussure’s “Course on Linguistics” can be applied to say in conjunction with De Beauvoir that the values of a traditional wife/mother are a sign and signifier relationship. We hear “wife” and “mother” and automatically get an image of the homemaker. Saussure says the “sign unites, not a thing and a name, but a concept and a sound-image” (78). When the audience is taking in both Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and A Doll’s House, they come to the plays with ideas of a “good” wife as “domestic, attractive, home-centered” (Barker 307) and a “good” mother who provides for the children and watches over them. When they see Nora and Maggie on the stage they are satisfied and shocked because these characters do not always conform to the audience’s ideas. Maggie and Nora are the signified aspects of the sign; whereas the concept of the mother/wife is the signifier. It is the crashes between traditional values and what is being performed that make the audience reject the characters because of their behavior. Maggie is then called a bitch because of the way tries to better her family’s future and she presents herself as a “sneak, cheat, manipulative” (Barker 307). Nora on the other hand is a Barker’s decoy an “apparently helpless, actually strong” (307) for part of the play while she plays a victim for the later half because of her guilt.

De Beauvoir points out that the woman plays a different role in the master-slave relationship than the “normal” slave, “she is the Other in a totality of which the two components are necessary to one another” (Beauvoir). Both Nora and Maggie are important to the future of their family because without them, the men would not be able to procreate. For Maggie however, it is more important for her to have children because it would help ensure her family’s inheritance when Big Daddy passes away. Maggie tries to keep herself looking attractive for Brick in hopes that one day “[he’ll] see [her] again like other men see [her]” (Williams 32). She becomes the cat in heat because of her need to provide another generation that will ensure the future of her family in a physical way, as well as in an economic way.

Instead of being strong like Maggie, Nora in A Doll’s House looks after her family and strives to save her husband no matter the cost. She takes it upon herself to get a much needed loan, without permission from her husband and knowing how he dislikes loan and how he will eventually feel about her. Nora goes outside of her home and defies her husband, as well as going as far as flirting openly with a family friend. She opposes the will of her husband, even if she is trying to help keep him alive. When she is confronted by her husband she becomes weak. Nora does not stand by her husband after her realizations about her marriage, she leaves. She becomes a timid mouse that runs and hides instead of standing strong. The way Nora is portrayed allows the audience to be able to relate more because of the “circuit of culture” as outlined in Chris Barker’s Cultural Studies. Everyone and everything plays a part in culture and this outlines the interconnected roles going from identity to representation to regulation to consumption to production (60). In Nora, it is easier to relate to the identity created in the representation of a devoted and stressed wife who wants the best for her family. This representation is then regulated and modified in the eyes of the consumer, thus producing a response or critique to the work so more identities can be created or enhanced.
Similar to Maggie, one can discover the character of Trish in the movie 40 Year Old Virgin. Trish is the self employed independent woman who owns a store across from the electronic store that Andy, aka Steve Carell, works. Trish pushes barriers by being self employed. She does fill her role in society in that she does produce something and is a productive member of society; however, it is because she does not define herself by a relationship with the traditional male boss. Her ability to not depend on anyone else, let alone a man, Trish breaks out of the boundary of a traditional female worker.

In addition, Trish is the experienced partner in her relationship with Andy. While he is still a virgin at the age of 40, Trish has had numerous sexual relationships. She is the more experienced member in this movie, whereas in traditional views this would not be expected or accepted. It is more traditional and acceptable for the male to be the more sexually experienced partner in a relationship. This role reversal between Andy and Trish puts Andy in the more traditional female role while Trish takes on the role of the male. Furthermore, it is Trish that makes the first move and asks Andy out.

More like Nora, Mrs. Robinson in the movie The Graduate is more submissive. Rather, she presents the image of being a submissive wife. When around her family, she plays the role that society dictates; however, when she gets alone with Ben, Mrs. Robinson becomes a different woman. She becomes a seductress in his presence, seducing him as a sort of graduation gift. They begin an affair in which Mrs. Robinson takes the early lead. Also similar to Trish, Mrs. Robinson is the more sexually experienced character.

Trish and Mrs. Robinson both take the lead in their relationships. They are the ones that proceed to make the first moves and go after the men they want. Entering in the relationships with clearly more experience in both sexual and romantic relationships, both women bring certain advantages that the “traditional woman” may not have. Unlike Nora, Trish and Mrs. Robinson have the luxury of choosing their lovers. It is mentioned that Nora has a loving relationship with her husband; however she is not as free as some of the other characters to pick a lover for her own pleasure. In this sense, Nora is more traditional in that she receives her role from the traditions that society dictates in this regard.

Maggie, Nora, Trish and Mrs. Robinson all challenge the traditional views of the woman, wife and mother. Together they help reshape the public’s view by presenting over sexualized, experience women who look for ways in which they can serve their family. Although not successful in some regards, they help broaden the view of the woman as something more than a homemaker.

Works Cited

Barker, Chris. "Cultural Studies." London: SAGE Publications Ltd, 2008.

de Beauvoir, Simone de. “Introduction: Woman as Other,” The Second Sex. 28 Jan 2006. Marxists.org. 13 Oct. 2008. (Williams)

The 40 Year Old Virgin. Dir. Judd Apatow. Perf. Steve Carell and Catherine Keener. DVD. 2005.

The Graduate. Dir. Mike Nichols. Perf. Dustin Hoffman and Anne Bancroft. DVD. 2005.

Saussure, Ferdinand. “Course in General Linguistics,” Structuralism and Linguistics.

Williams, Tennessee. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. London: Signet Drama, 1958.

Frederick's Dystopia

2008-12-13T20:17:00.000-08:00

Ganeku, Samantha
English 312
Professor Wexler
13 December 2008

In the movie Minority Report, the main character played by Tom Cruise, the control implemented by the government helps keep citizens within the law. The futuristic pre-crime detection unit monitors everyone and “pin points” who will commit a crime and where it will occur, before it actually happens. Without the crime occurring, one is unable to prove their innocence or guilt, this presents a loss of freedom and rights in an extreme sense. In a dystopian society, it is the lack of freedom and rights that are the core of these cultures.

As seen through Frederick Douglass’ Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, the stripping of rights affects the slave community. While as a whole, the slave community remains in the dark about the real wrongs being perpetrated on their group, Douglass has had his eyes opened up. It is because he learns to read that he is able to understand the real implications of enslavement. Similar to the human race in Planet of the Apes, African American’s are seen as inferior and ignorant. They are nothing more than tools to be used by those in power to control. By withholding knowledge from groups of people, it becomes easier to control whole groups.

History is very similar, in the sense without a history or a background; there is a missing piece of identity. For Douglass, once he realizes what is really behind the enslavement of African Americans, he gains a brighter outlook that he often wishes he did not have. While clearly knowledge is power, it can also be an unwanted burden as seen in the case of Frederick Douglass. For Douglass, he has to constantly walk around with knowledge that creates a prison that constantly follows him. He could speak out and tell others the secrets he has uncovered, he would be unable to find others who would believe him or go along with a revolution. It is because of his inability to share his new found knowledge that he becomes trapped within a society that has no real written freedom.

Like Orwell’s 1984, when the crowd of people screams at the projection during Hate Week, propaganda is used to entice such a response. Similar to Douglass in the sense that the government withholds or manipulates information released to the public, the governing body in 1984 present’s information in ways that enables them to gain more control over the common person. Today is no different, within the United States; information is withheld or manipulated by those presenting it to the masses. Whether it is the writers of history books or the local newscasters, there is an agenda behind the information being released.

Propaganda is a powerful tool within any society. In particular it is seen in the United States during times of war. It is the rationalization that the government is using its power to protect us from harmful information. Furthermore, it was seen more recently when China was preparing for the Olympics. The Chinese government censored news of mobs protesting during the torch relay and presented the image of a jovial relay procession. To keep the mass populations at ease/peace, governments are willing to go the extremes of censoring information released to the public because it enables them to control the general sentiment in their favor regarding certain matters.

As Jameson points out in his article, for a revolution to be successful, it must be done on a mass scale. In larger numbers crowds have more influence over those who seek to hush their protests or seek to oppress them. For Douglass, 1984’s Winston, and the Planet of the Ape’s Taylor, they would need to get a group of people first listen to them and then follow their lead. However, the only person really successful enough in this regard is Taylor, who gets others to believe him and even defend him.

Jameson further tries to say that for equality, we must be willing to think beyond the individual. Douglass tried to be conscious of this fact. For other slaves to survive their lifestyle, they needed to believe the propaganda presented to them. Once other slaves started to believe in them, their white masters would try to find other ways in which to punish and further oppress them; worse, the masters would even seek to make examples out of them to further discourage any other uprisings. This would strike the hope from those that may seek for something more, as well as the possibility for groups to band together to rebel.

Within his slave community and his own life, Douglass was constantly under the watchful eye of Big Brother in its many forms, whether as a foreman, a master, or fellow slaves, someone was always watching him. In this panopticon, Michelle Foucault would have argued that the knowledge that Douglass was being observed, should have prevented him from doing anything that was forbidden; however knowledge of the Underground Railroad and the ability Douglass gained to read proves that there were some flaws. As a whole, however, the slave community would not rebel for this reason. The idea that one is being observed prevented many slaves from running away, as did the knowledge of what would happen should they be captured.

Like the workers presented in the movie Metropolis, slaves became drones in the sense they had daily chores that they preformed like clockwork. They had no real time for leisure or pleasure, instead they constantly needed to work and be a part of the machine. In this system, there was no “middle class”. There is only the owner/master and the slave. While one surely depends on the other, the hierarchy could not be any clearer. Though Douglass himself was able to read and function as more than a worker, he could clearly not be an owner/master. For Douglass and the society he lives in, there was no in between.

The ideas presented in Gattaca the movie, that the strongest and most superior get the advantages and the privileges. For Douglass, a similar concept ruled his time. The survival of the fittest was the ideal words to live by. One either had to be strong or have an extremely smart mind. While Douglass still had to experience the labor of slavery, he was also able to experience the freedom of working for a wage for a time. He used a combination of his mind and his body to gain and experience advantages many in his position only dreamed of. However, within his freedom, he was still stuck within the production relationship. Douglass was still working in what Althusser would consider the Reproduction of Labour-Power. Douglass still had to produce a product to obtain these advantages and experiences. He was not within the society where he followed the rules of a slave in the strictest sense, he moved into a different society where he needed to work and produce a product to gain a wage in exchange for his freedom. The value of the work he produced was then assessed by his employer/new owner.

Daily Lessons on Class details this relationship in that while Douglass may seek to get away from being the worker or slave, he is stuck within a cycle that will only continue and follow wherever he goes. Douglass would be what the authors Ebert and Zavarzadeuh would consider Wednesday. He represents the “playful in-between-ness” with his ability to be both a slave and a working functioning member of a different society. He is able to understand both worlds and he is stuck in this land where he does not fully fit within either one; furthermore, he is at a state in which neither side would claim him as one of their own.

In addition, Daily Lessons on Class further states that “freedom is realized only through revolution making a new society not bound by wage labor. For Douglass, this would be questionable if within the society he would be able to ever be equal when monetary value was no longer a factor. Rather, it would be more likely that Jameson’s ideas that a mass revolution would be able to create such a state for him. Revolution on a mass scale, where all slaves were involved in the outcry of the wrongs done to them, could create a new society if only they were able to adopt a sense of communism.

With Jameson’s ideas in mind, it would be possible for Douglass to break out if he could encourage others in their masses to join him in an uprising. Like those that fight today overseas for freedom, they sacrifice theirs so citizens of the United States can continue to enjoy theirs. These soldiers do not think of themselves, rather they think of the cause they represent. For the slaves to join Douglass, they had to believe that what they fought for would benefit maybe not themselves, but those that would come after them. They needed to be willing to sacrifice their lives in most cases to be able to fully commit to the cause. However, Douglass never asked this of his fellow slaves. He understood the burden he carried was too much for him, and it often weighted heavy on his own mind. He did not seek to pass this burden onto others or jeopardize the relative peace in which they lived.

Douglass’ dysptopia was one in which it was a struggle to survive. He ran the risk of getting beaten, starved, and worse if he did not please his master. Within the life of a slave, he was able to gain the ability to do things unheard of for others. While Douglass was the rare exception, he still was often stripped of rights and freedoms based on his “station” within the society he lived in.

Works Cited

Althusser, Louis. "Ideology and Ideological State Apparatuses." WebTeach-English 312. CSUN. 12 Oct. 2008 .

Boulle, Pierre. Planet of the Apes. Trans. Xan Fielding. Westminster: Del Rey, 2001.

Douglass, Frederick. Narrative of Frederick Douglass : Prestwick House Literary Touchstone Edition. New York: Prestwick House, Incorporated, 2004.

Foucault, Michel. "Discipline & Punish (1975), Panopticism." Michel Foucault. Discipline & Punish (1975). 1 Sept. 2008 .

Jameson, Frederic. "The Politics of Utopia." New Left Review. 2 Dec. 2008 .

Minority Report. Dir. Steven Spielberg. Perf. Tom Cruise. DVD. 2003.

Orwell, George. 1984. New York: Plume, 2003.

"Turn Back" to "Learn Your Lessons Well"

2008-12-04T17:31:00.000-08:00

In my Romantic Comedy class, we watched Madonna's Like a Prayer video. It inspired me to go further research Mary Magdalene which lead to the research of Jesus Christ Superstar, the rock-opera by Andrew Lloyd Webber; which then inspired going back to the musical Godspell.

Going through the plot and seeing the names of the songs transport me back to my younger years when I was into acting. Along with people that became my friends and confidants, we performed for 3 years musicals inspired by the Bible. Seeing the names of these songs reminds me of how young and how naive I once was. In that time, I lived for those moments and shared the joy of rehearsal with my fellow actors.

The names of the songs and what they implied, as well as what they expressed, once lost on me, make complete sense now. I am now able to find a deeper meaning in what we sang about for all those hours. As lighthearted as some of those songs seemed so long ago, now become serious critiques of a world similar to the one we now live in. The childhood joy and lightheartedness I brought in my daily journeys of rehearsal, suddenly transforms into a realization of the filter childhood innocence can place on situations.

This realization has encouraged me to research and dig into things further. Over time, the realization that childhood movies, including many Disney movies, hide sexual content by disguising it under other content. Even childhood stories such as Rumpelstiltskin hides the moral reality of evil through an enjoyable story. How many other things have hidden ideology? Everything around us has a hidden agenda and to go back to reflect on these things leads to further reflections and realizations. Will you go back and discover things once hidden?

Wisdom, Grief, and Rain

2008-11-26T18:34:00.000-08:00

Today was a difficult day, I'm not going to lie. It started off okay, with the roommate waking me up at 4 AM to tell me he was leaving for work....yeah, that right. Cute, maybe, but not at 4 am when the sound of a car alarm keeps going off over and over until you finally leave to go to the dreaded Dentist!!

I get there, some okay news, and not so okay news. Small cavity, but I need to get my wisdom teeth out next Tuesday. After the drilling stops and I get out of that cold chair, I find out my mom has worried my co-workers sick about me. When I finally get into work and straighten everything out, my cousin and my co-worker drop major news on me.

My cousin's husband had bad results on his Brain MRI and might need my office. Then my co-worker tells me that 1) Another co-worker's husband passed out and they don't know what's wrong and 2) our doctor who just retired may not make it through the weekend.

At my job, as well as life, I am constantly reminded of my own mortality. My Kimberly reminded me to not let this news affect me. Words to sooth my soul, as well as her own. Is it disturbing that I did not need these soft spoken words? It is almost as if my job has morphed me into a new self. I no longer need the reminder to not let things disturb me because they no longer have an effect on me considering all the horribleness I see on a daily basis. It makes me wonder if I've lost a part of me that can never be recovered. Is it my innocence? I don't know but it is clear that my job has effected my outlook on life and how I respond to certain situations that arise.

Love146

2008-11-25T16:22:00.000-08:00

The website couldn't have said it better:

"The trafficking and rape of children for profit is one of the darkest stories on the planet"

A terror, the trauma, the shame, and the ignorance. Children between the ages of 5 and 15, sold for sex every night, over and over again. Where does it end? When comes the time that we put our foot down and cry out?

Take a stand. It could be your sister, your brother, your daughter, your son. Wouldn't you want someone to fight for them?

Hayley Williams from Paramore dedicating their song "We Are Broken" To the cause through the whole Final Riot! tour

2008-11-22T19:08:00.001-08:00

Artist on Artist: Robert Pattinson & Hayley Williams

Five Minutes of Mascot Failure.

2008-11-18T12:10:00.000-08:00

...more like 2:33...but still

Our society uses others to turn attention away from ourselves as well as place blame on others. The shifting of awareness is the displacement of unwanted attention which many be used in efforts to brush things off as though what has happed is not real. In society where there is a Big Brother constantly watching over our shoulder, observing every movement one makes, we disguise feelings behind acts of comedy and/or violence through the pain and misfortune of others. The clip entitled “Mascot Fail” was created using moments of mascots often taking a misstep in front of large crowds. The audience, that is the ultimate Big Brother creates a notion of Panoptisim in the grand scale of a sports arena. Society likes to focus on the failures of others to create a greater sense of belonging and brotherhood, as well as the ideology of being correct and dominate over those that have faltered in the past, hesitate in the present, and may waver in the future.

Representative Ideology

2008-11-13T17:12:00.000-08:00

In Sex In the City, season 3, episode 9 the girls go on an emotional relationship road, with the end unseen. Through many devices used in conventional television realism, the audience is able to go on the journey with the characters.

As Fiske points out in his article Television Culture, he maps out the "codes of television". The first level of reality, he argues is what is on display for the audience to see. In this episode, Carrie struggles with maintaining her current relationship with her artistic boyfriend, Adian, and her mixed feelings over her break up with "Big". Miranda is also struggling to maintain a shared living space with her ex boyfriend and letting go of the feelings of guilt and emotional ties in order to move on from the relationship. Charolette's impending engagement makes her use techniques that have been shown to work between Trey and his mother in order to initate the engagement. Lastly, Samantha's struggles with her "bad tasting" boy toy leads her down a rocky road.

All four woman allow the situations to effect them into emotional responses that in turn effect their behavior to the men in their lifes and their interactions with the other women. This leads to Fiske's second level of the representation. All of the woman are presented within their own enviroment throughout the episode, helping to create the character themselves. The characters of Charolette, Samantha, Miranda, and Carrie are based on stereotypes that Carrie often narrates herself. This alone is it's own representation-a lense if you will-that helps the audience observe and then interpret what they are observing through the character of Carrie. Throughout this episode, it is as though there is a specific lense in which the audience is forced to view the situations through. In a definite sense, the lense is Carrie, in a broader, more general sense, the lense that is imposed is the woman's outlook/view of their environment/life.

These all in turn lead to Fiske's third and final level of the codes of television, ideology. Much like the lense put on the episode [or show in general if you will], the ideology being presented is from the female perspective, though different depending on the storyline and the narration. In addition, there is also the representation the the upper white class, whose relation to capitalism and materialism is very much influencing their daily lives. Carrie in particular we learn has thousands of dollars worth of shoes in her closet, yet does not that the money to renovate her apartment. She is a product of capitalism and materialism because it could be argued, her status in society.

All levels of the television medium effect what the audience takes away from the the specific show. The editing, the music, the styling and the casting effect what reality is being represented and the ideology being reinforced by the characters and storylines. Every show on television today is demonstrating a "reality", as well as an ideology, or some may say, an agenda. What is the "reality" and ideology being presented in your favorite television show?

Cassandra's Dystopia

2008-11-06T06:58:00.000-08:00

Ganeku, Samantha
Professor Wexler
English 312
November 6, 2008

Cassie’s Dystopia

One never knows what the future may hold, or even what today will have in store for the human race. In any given society, tragedy, plague, poverty, and oppression is possible and thinking of how these events and circumstances may shape a nation gives one a distinctly different view of what may happen tomorrow if such an event were to occur. In the Cassandra Palmer series by Karen Chance, dystopian elements of government appear throughout the novels.

Cassandra Palmer is a young clairvoyant in a world such as the one known today, expect for the ruling vampires, the Dark Mages, and the White Mages all trying gain control over the new Pythia. The Mages are overseen by a group called the Circle, who seek to continue their control over the Pythia, as to have a powerful ally. The Vampires who are ruled by the Vampire Senate and a vampire named the Council, offer their own version of protection in exchange for favors yet to be determined. Both groups seek control over one woman, in hopes of “guiding” her to fit what their will dictates. When she fails to pick a side and pursues an agenda of her own, all of the groups send minions after her in efforts to capture and persuade her to their side.

Like many dystopias, the “government” or those in power try to use their influence over others and/or the general public to create strong sentiments over what is right and wrong. Similar to 1984’s Hate Week, the governing body of the White Mages, send their head assassin Pritkin to help “persuade” Cassandra to aid their cause. Pritkin has no knowledge of the difference between a clairvoyant and a demon. He has been conditioned through his upbringing that anything related to a vampire is dirty, evil, and needs to be eliminated, as it only means trouble. The heads of the White Mages send him with the hopes that he will see Cassandra as a threat to the balance of power and eliminate her. The governing White Mages uses the propaganda that Pritkin believes in, in hopes of establishing Cassandra as a danger to the small harmony that is enjoyed between the different circles.

Similar to Fahrenheit 451’s ideology that destroying books is actually protecting the society as a whole from the horrors that can be presented in such works. The ideology is to protect the innocence from anything that could be harmful to the psyche, but the hidden ideology is that in order to protect the peace and to prevent the chance of rebellion, government can and will do anything. Similar to the ideology behind the restrictions and laws, it is the hopes of the heads of the White Mages to use Pritkin’s loathing of demons to their advantage to serve their ideology that a clairvoyant not trained for the role of Pythia is a danger. It is their hope that a clairvoyant already under their control would become Pythia and thus could and would be used to further their agenda.

The Vampire Senates, the head White Mages and the head Dark Mages each govern over their own society. With the power granted to these ruling bodies, the idea is that they will watch over and rule over their given “races”. Like Foucault’s ideas of “Panopticism”, these groups consisting of the most powerful of their kind are all knowing and have no qualms about punishing anyone who steps out of line. When Pritkin goes “rogue” trying to protect Cassandra, the White Mages send a horde of War mages on their trail with the order to kill. The idea that he was being watched over should have prevented Pritkin from turning “rogue”; however, while it didn’t, it certainly gave him pause forcing him to weight the consequences of his actions. Once he changed sides to help Cassandra, he became a marked man. While he makes his choice, it is not without giving something up. Like the Librarian in Fahrenheit 451, Pritkin gives up something valuable, while the librarian gives her life, he gives his freedom.

In dystopian societies, freedom is often not a luxury; rather it is an ideal that is spread to give the illusion of choice in a society where there is in fact little choice. The idea of freedom and choice is calming to the masses because it gives the feeling of being able to have control over oneself in a world where many things are controlled by a governing body. Pritkin sacrifices this, as well as possibly sacrificing his life for protecting Cassandra and the ideals that he has developed.

Even within the vampire community there are levels of class. As in Teresa Ebert and Mas’ud Zavarzadeh’s Daily Lessons on Class, can be applied to the structure of the vampire society. The power of a vampire is based on his age, as well as the amount of vampires that serve beneath him. His power and financial success is based on his ability to rule over those beneath them, as well as their success. They are like a capitalist society that “one is what one owns” or controls. They are either the highest level of vampire or they are a servant/worker that serves a master. There is no in between, that is no middle class. No one vampire is able to be his own owner or worker, their status is either one or the other. It is as the Daily Lessons on Class points out, that “production is the cause [of class]”, it is the creation or production of a vampire that creates class within the community that is presented in the Cassandra Palmer series.

In the vampire community, there are also measures set up for the protection of the community as a whole. Like eugenics and the premise for GATTACA, vampires take care in turning people into new vampires. To protect their society, rules are put in place that help assures there will be fewer crazed vampires that will go on a killing rampage. If lower level vampire act out and break the laws established by the Vampire Senate, the master of said vampire must then tract down the rogue vampire, kill him/her, and then tract down those the misbehaving vampire spawned. If things become too out of control, and a vampire steps beyond the boundary lines that protect the community as a whole, he/she is seen as a threat that needs to be eliminated, thus the governing body steps in. The Vampire Senate acts as judge and jury that appoint the necessary executioner with no exceptions and no matter the circumstances.

Stands of dystopia can be found everywhere one looks, in movies, television, and books or book series. The Cassandra Palmer series by Karen Chance has governments that are founded in dystopia in the science fiction world of White Mages, Dark Mages, and Vampires.

Work Cited

Bradbury, Ray. Fahrenheit 451. Westminster: Del Rey, 1997.

Chance, Karen. Claimed by Shadow (Cassandra Palmer Series). East Rutherford: Roc, 2007.

Ebert, Teresa L., and Mas'ud Zavarzadeh. "Daily Lessons on Class." The Red Critique 12. 27 Oct. 2008 .

Foucault, Michel. Discipline and Punish : The Birth of the Prison. New York: Vintage, 1995.

Orwell, George, Thomas Pynchon, and Erich Fromm. 1984. New York: Plume, 2003.

The Cat and the Mouse

2008-10-23T16:22:00.001-07:00

Ganeku, Samantha
English 313 Th 4:20
Professor Wexler
23 October 2008

In Tennessee William’s Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Maggie is often times like a cat in heat; whereas, Nora in A Doll’s House by Henrik Ibsen is a timid mouse. Both women, however, help keep their households stable while trying to support their family in the present, as well as in the future. The portrayal of these two women is often times a role reversal of traditional notions of the role of women within the family.

Maggie tries to seduce her own husband and offers him a shoulder to lean on physically and metaphorically. Brick gets hurt jumping the hurdles because “people like to do what they used to do, even after they’ve stopped being able to do it” (Williams 44). Maggie tries to care for Brick by offering to help him move around when he drops his crutch. Similarly, Nora tries to take care of her husband Torvald when he becomes sick by taking him away from the stress of their current lives. In both of these situations Simone De Beauvoir would argue that the women are getting their role from the male, such as in a master slave relationship. They are acting on the values that have been ingrained in their psyche as the role of the women in a marriage, that they need to take care of their man when he is down to ensure they recover quickly and then will be able to take over the role once again as the provider.

Ferdinand Saussure’s “Course on Linguistics” can be applied to say in conjunction with De Beauvoir that the values of a traditional wife/mother are a sign and signifier relationship. We hear “wife” and “mother” and automatically get an image of the homemaker. Saussure says the “sign unites, not a thing and a name, but a concept and a sound-image” (78). When the audience is taking in both Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and A Doll’s House, they come to the plays with ideas of a “good” wife as “domestic, attractive, home-centered” (Barker 307) and a “good” mother who provides for the children and watches over them. When they see Nora and Maggie on the stage they are satisfied and shocked because these characters do not always conform to the audience’s ideas. Maggie and Nora are the signified aspects of the sign; whereas the concept of the mother/wife is the signifier. It is the crashes between traditional values and what is being performed that make the audience reject the characters because of their behavior. Maggie is then called a bitch because of the way tries to better her family’s future and she presents herself as a “sneak, cheat, manipulative” (Barker 307). Nora on the other hand is a Barker’s decoy an “apparently helpless, actually strong” (307) for part of the play while she plays a victim for the later half because of her guilt.

De Beauvoir points out that the woman plays a different role in the master-slave relationship than the “normal” slave, “she is the Other in a totality of which the two components are necessary to one another” (Beauvoir). Both Nora and Maggie are important to the future of their family because without them, the men would not be able to procreate. For Maggie however, it is more important for her to have children because it would help ensure her family’s inheritance when Big Daddy passes away. Maggie tries to keep herself looking attractive for Brick in hopes that one day “[he’ll] see [her] again like other men see [her]” (Williams 32). She becomes the cat in heat because of her need to provide another generation that will ensure the future of her family in a physical way, as well as in an economic way.

Instead of being strong like Maggie, Nora in A Doll’s House looks after her family and strives to save her husband no matter the cost. She takes it upon herself to get a much needed loan, without permission from her husband and knowing how he dislikes loan and how he will eventually feel about her. Nora goes outside of her home and defies her husband, as well as going as far as flirting openly with a family friend. She opposes the will of her husband, even if she is trying to help keep him alive. When she is confronted by her husband she becomes weak. Nora does not stand by her husband after her realizations about her marriage, she leaves. She becomes a timid mouse that runs and hides instead of standing strong. The way Nora is portrayed allows the audience to be able to relate more because of the “circuit of culture” as outlined in Chris Barker’s Cultural Studies. Everyone and everything plays a part in culture and this outlines the interconnected roles going from identity to representation to regulation to consumption to production (60). In Nora, it is easier to relate to the identity created in the representation of a devoted and stressed wife who wants the best for her family. This representation is then regulated and modified in the eyes of the consumer, thus producing a response or critique to the work so more identities can be created or enhanced.

Maggie and Nora both challenge the traditional views of the woman, wife and mother. Together they help reshape the public’s view by presenting an over sexualized cat and a timid, skittish mouse.

Works Cited

Barker, Chris. "Cultural Studies." London: SAGE Publications Ltd, 2008.

de Beauvoir, Simone de. “Introduction: Woman as Other,” The Second Sex. 28 Jan 2006. Marxists.org. 13 Oct. 2008. (Williams)

Saussure, Ferdinand. “Course in General Linguistics,” Structuralism and Linguistics.

Williams, Tennessee. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. London: Signet Drama, 1958.

Spokespeople

2008-10-22T22:08:00.000-07:00

Watching the news lately one can't help but notice with the type of stories that are being aired, that there is an abundant number of spokespeople that have no clue what is going on. In particular an officer acting as a spokesperson during a high speed pursuit cannot confirm anything about the pursuit, the suspect, or the events leading up to the chase, all he can say is "i have no information"....what is your job? Is it not to provide information to the public in hopes of helping ensure their safety as well as satisfying our nosy/curious natures? I thought so, in fact, I assumed that was part of the description of the job. But you know what they say about assuming things...

What happened to happy news?? We have fires, dead bodies in pools, suicidal car chases, but nothing about furry animals (happy news...not of them being beaten or killed) or some outstanding citizen or young adult.

"it's the mother f---ing times" for sure that can explain this I suppose. but is that in no way an excuse to be slacking on your job if you are hired to provide information to the public.

Luda to Tina

2008-10-21T21:28:00.000-07:00

After a few days of recovery, I've had time to reflect on my recent concert experiences. It's funny really because of the two extreme experiences that were not entirely what I expected.

First I went with some friends to the Big Show 8 concert at CSUN featuring Ludacris. While the company was great...the crowd was a severe pain in the ass. Never have I met a group of people that were rude or so friendly. Either people were pushing you or standing on top of you to get closer or they were yelling at those people along with you. Either way the concert was pretty good and was pretty much what one would expect.

Tina, Tina, Tina...what a river. That woman is amazing. How old is she and her body looks that good? AND!! she can jam in heels for 3 hours?!? I wish I could do that now! The concert was great. Tina was great. The dancers great. The crowd?? More drunk and rude people than you would expect. "Bitch" being thrown everywhere. More beer and seat hoppers than the most out of control hip-hop concert. It was pretty amazing.

One would think that between the two concert the Oxygen masks and the Back Boards from the Ludacris concert...well my dear friends, you would be wrong. They had to bust those out for those crazy Tina fans! Seriously a once in a lifetime experience. =D

i was hoping to share some videos but blogger.com isn't responding. so check back a little later. meanwhile, i'ma go eat some ice cream!!

Someone to Watch Over You

2008-10-14T22:19:00.000-07:00

Though I'm not a very spiritual or religious person, some conversations make me believe that some people have guardian angels or someone looking out for them. Recently a family member of one of my mom's co-workers got in a horrific accident that could have taken many lives. This woman blacked out (how or why, yet to be determined), drove into a gas station, hit a gas pump and her car lit on fire. Even though she was trapped in her car for about 3 minutes, she came out without a single burn on her body, though her shoes and purse were completely charred. On any other day there would have been bikers taking their normal route and possibly someone at that gas pump. Luckily, that day was different and because of it, everyone came out relatively okay. It is amazing that she came out alive and yet even more amazing that she is physically unharmed. Yet another family friend has had tragedy strike his family and had an almost near death experience himself this year. He has done the unthinkable, stayed strong, and stood by and lent aid to someone who could have caused his death due to her distraught emotional state to carry on his son's legacy. Things like this makes me realize that we have someone looking out for us from time to time or even that we have another purpose that has yet to be fulfilled. They even make me have faith that there are good and strong people out there that will remain optimistic

In times like this last week where wildfires are rapidly spreading, numerous properties are in danger, and the economy on extremely shaky ground, we need to be thankful for what we have and if you will, what we are blessed with. Whether you are religious or not, thankfulness, gratefulness, and understanding are valuable qualities and assets to hold onto when the safety and security of more physical assets are in danger. Lets be thankful for what we have today because we never know when it might be taken from us.

Kanye West and Patrick Bateman

2008-10-07T16:49:00.000-07:00

Funny enough, today in my Literature and Film class we briefly brought up the discussion of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. We briefly touched upon the idea that no one actually wants to be Patrick Bateman but the movie portrays an interesting view of Dystopia. It's kind of funny how we don't want to be Bateman as a psycho killer but we will become a version of him as a byproduct of consumerism.

Today, relaxing at home, I turn on the Ellen DeGeneres Show. None other than Kanye West is sitting in the chair next to the host talking about the influences for his new music video Love Locked Down. Interestingly enough, he says some of the influence came from Patrick Bateman.

We can see from the opening scene a resemblance to Bateman's Aparment as in this clip

The following videos is where he talks about the influences,

In addition to the clip showing Kanye's inspiration, here is a quote from an article about today's appearance on the Ellen show:

After Kanye West unveiled the new video
for his single "Love Lockdown" on "The
Ellen DeGeneres Show" on Tuesday (October 7),
he admitted that the clip's modern look
was inspired by a chainsaw-wielding maniac.

"On this album, I kind of embody Patrick
Bateman from 'American Psycho,' " he joked
on the show, adding, "You know at the end
of the movie [that] he didn't really kill
anyone. [I just liked] the clean aesthetic
and the way he was all about labels. I
wanted to express all of that in the video."

from Jocelyn Vena on Love Locked Down

Focusing on "artistic communities" we can see the materialism and consumerism that surrounds these aspects of culture and how it "bleeds" into every day society. For example, the materialism that we see associated to being "popular" and being a "celebrity". Once a name is associated with a brand, such as Michael Jordan, he becomes a commodity, and I think in the business world that Patrick Bateman lives in is very much this. His status as "fitting in" depends on his wearing the right suit and being seen in all the right places. With the "Hip-Hop community" it is also about looks and the right brand, otherwise it wouldn't matter if P. Diddy put his name behind this band or Kanye West decided to produce this song. Without their names on these records, backing these bands, there is a good chance that no one would care or even pay attention. There are so many "underground" and "indie" bands that never see the popular radio waves because they have yet to be discovered by some popular producer or record label.

We as consumers strive for recognition, especially in our teen years for the things we wear, realizing this, ad campaigns such as cigarette ads (in the past), cereal ads, shoe ads, etc. are tailored to appeal to younger generations. We, then become byproducts much like Bateman because some children will do anything to get their material needs met. Watching "Keeping Up With the Karashians" this weekend reminds me of this. One of the younger, less known daughters, Kendall (i believe) was
given chores to earn money to buy the latest thing she saw at the mall. Instead of doing the chores, she hired someone else at a lesser rate to do the same job, thus getting the chores done and making the money she needed to get what she wanted.

The need to have our consumer needs meet and our materialistic needs indulged, does cause us to lose a part of morality and sense of obligation because we become more focused on what we appear to be than what we really are. When people graduate from high school and some times college, the realization hits that we have not really done anything with our lives because we have just been going through the motions and making other people happy with the external self instead of our inner self.

Goodbye Kittens, Hello Broken Heart

2008-09-27T18:19:00.000-07:00

Today was one of the hardest days for me. I gave up my kittens to a Cat Rescue lady. It was difficult enough to even find someone to take them. Apparently it's Kitten Season and all the shelters are full or over capacity to store them. My dad and I called over 100 places before we finally found someone willing to take them as long as we paid for the kitty shots.

So we rush to my apartment where I am literally balling my eyes out as I pack them into their little carry box. Of course they knew something was wrong and tried to get away. We make the drive out to Burbank's Petco and hand my babies over to the lady in charge. They take Kibbles and Bits out of their carrying case and already begin to debate names for them. In their new cages, Kibbles and Bits look at me as if I've betrayed them and it simply broke my heart. Standing there sobbing as I lean against their cage, some lady comes up and offers words of "comfort", saying "Don't worry we don't kill them, we keep them until they find a home." As if this is a consolation to my breaking heart. I don't think so.

Now home, I am trying to console myself by lying to myself...makes sense? I worry about my kittens and if they will be able to stay together, will they get a good home, will they find someone who will love them to pieces like they deserve? I tell myself they will, I tell myself it is for the best, and the biggest bullshit lie, that I loved them enough to let them go. I hope this is all true, but right now they all seem like selfish lies that are designed to make me feel better about this decision.

And so I come to these pondering thoughts. Why is it that when my fish died when I was young, as well as a few years ago, I didn't shed a single tear, but now that I give my kittens into the care of another, I cannot help but turn into a blubbering, heartbroken mess? I suppose it is because I felt a certain detachment from Freckles, the fish. I never cared enough maybe. With the kittens, they forced me to care, butting their way into my heart and fussing around in my heart until there was more then enough room to love them. For now, I will continue to miss them, and more then likely continue to cry, but I would like to share some of my memories with you.

Ethnography, Women, Radical Romance

2008-09-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

Date: Friday September 19, 2008
Location: My balcony
Time: 6 pm

Groups of people walk by my apartment on a regular basis, so I figure, why not use that to my advantage. So I set up my chair and my laptop and sit back to enjoy the show. Today was a particularly interesting day.

A guy and a girl walk by holding hands, maybe in their late 20s wearing some baggy sweats. They just walk on by, not noticing the person walking the dog at the end of the leash who won’t stop barking. The couple is so engrossed in each other, they don’t notice anything going on around them.

Oh my here comes a good one. There is a girl that is walking over to a blue truck (make and model? Who cares?!?!) and starts yelling at the person within. The window rolls down as she steps next to the driver side door revealing a guy possibly in his early 20s. Something along the lines of him being a jerk and a lying bastard…of course. He doesn’t say much, in fact, he is dealing with a woman screaming at the top of her lungs in a very public place, in a pretty calm fashion. She yells at him for quite a while, never once letting him get a word in, telling him he’s all kinds of screwed up. After a while he rolls up his window, starts his car and drives away. She of course, throws her phone at his car. The phone misses the car and shatters on the pavement, at which point she starts cursing the cell phone maker, whom she is sure is of the male sex.

A guy is walking down the street and coming towards him is a girl in a really (and I mean really) low cut shirt with white pants so low that I swear I can almost see her butt crack. It is hard to say if they know each other or not, but they stop and talk…well flirt, for a little while. He pulls out his phone and most likely gets her number (there’s no way that he’s checking his text messages people). They briefly say goodbye and she walks away. As she is walking away from him, the guy turns around to check out the view.

Analysis.
Well I must say, today was rather odd. Normally I don’t have so many people arguing outside of my apartment, couples are usually like the first one I observed. They are a perfect example of the kind of relationship that most of us ideally want. A calm situation in which we are so into each other, we don’t really have a care in the world. Who knows, maybe so, maybe not. Either way, this is why the romance genre is so popular with women because they want that kind of relationship. They want to be swept off their feet and romanced like there is no tomorrow and in romance novels, they are able to experience this vicariously through the characters in the novels.

The second couple is why so many corporations stay in business. Like the diagram located in our book, the base is supported by those above it, and those above it support those below. The girl will probably go home and eat some comfort food in the form of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream while she curses the male population in general. Let us not forget that broken phone lying on the pavement. She, as a consumer will be supporting Ben and Jerry’s and the phone company, with likely another purchase due to her frustration and anger. On the discussion of high and low, privileged and not, comes the concept of high class and low class. It was once privileged to keep all your family problems inside the home, those that “aired their dirty laundry” in public were considered to be of a lower, less privileged class. Watching the girl reminded me of some elements we watched of Jerry Maguire where his first wife, played by Kelly Preston was getting mad at him when he reveals that he has changed his mind about how he is going to be a sports agent.

Lastly, the two people who met on the street. This is a demonstration of de Beauvoir’s Second Sex. The girl in the white pants is getting her roll from the male. She finds herself attractive because the guy pretty much says she is it is from this that she understands her role in society. It is not because she makes her own destiny or path, rather, she makes herself a commodity in the eyes of the male sex by dressing the way she does. You cannot dress that way and expect no one to check you out or look twice as you walk by.

Ethnography

2008-09-23T06:58:00.001-07:00

Northridge Mall
Saturday September 20 2008

Sitting outside of the Orange Julius/ Dairy Queen around mid afternoon

A mother and her child walks in. Both appear to be of Caucasian descent wearing nice clothes. The mother is holding her sons hand as the child struggles to get away from her. He points at the coin operated rides just under the elevator but his mom refuses to let him go. She tells him because he’s been a bad boy, he won’t get an ice cream. He pouts but she doesn’t give in, buying one cone and sitting at a table where she eats the cone while her son watches.

A little girl and little boy walk in with someone who appears to be their father. The children stand in line with their father. They appear to be of Asian descent. The father does not hold their hand, nor does he scold them in line, instead the children stand there quietly as their father orders his ice cream. When he is finished paying, his children go to the napkin dispenser and grab enough napkins for each of them and their father. They sit at a table inside, setting the napkins up like a place mat and begin to eat in a meticulous fashion. As they walk out,
each cleans up their own area and throws away the trash. Walking through the entry way, the children walk several steps behind their father who doesn’t hold their hand or keep looking over his should to check if they are there, rather it is like he knows they will always be trailing after him.

A mother and her daughter walk in to the store holding hands. They patiently wait in line to have their order taken. The daughter looks up at her mom and asks if she can have certain toppings. Her mother replies that her daughter will get whatever she orders for her. The daughter appears to be sad but doesn’t comment back to her mother. When it is time to order the daughter stands there hiding her face from her mother when she orders a cone with no chocolate dip but nuts for toppings. When
the mother hands the cone to her daughter, she accepts without a complaint. While walking out of the store, both mother and daughter eat their cones.

Watching the interactions between the children and their parents was interesting because it presented a dystopian element. The dystopian element is that several of the children accepted what their parents said to them, accepting that it is the law; however, the first child noted, tried to rebel against his mother and had to face the consequences of his actions. Furthermore, while the last little girl did not rebel in the sense of making a scene, she did have a hidden show of displeasure
towards her mother.

As a child, your parents word is the law, there is no deviation from it without clear consequences that will be devastating to a child. It is a law that has been programmed in them, literally since birth, and one they know they must follow, similar to Orwell’s dystopia. LikeWinston in 1984 by Orwell, if a child goes against the law, they are broken down until they can then be rebuilt to know the right side of the law. Their law is a law that we don’t question because we don’t know any better because that is what we have been taught all of our lives is the right
law. We learn from our parents what is right because we don’t want to be punished, to have our Gameboys or our Wiis taken away. Once we realize that there is a consequence to our sever misbehavior, we immediately rectify the situation so we no longer have these privileges taken away.

While these conditions may create a utopia for the parents, could it be considered a dystopia for the children? I suggest this because the children are not able to follow their instincts or natural wants for fear of getting into trouble...or at least in most cases.

Cat On a Hot Tin Roof

2008-09-17T20:27:00.002-07:00

So we just presented. I must say that it was one of the most laid back and easy going presentation I have had in a while. My classmates definitely helped make the presentation the best it could be. Their willingness to participate and add their opinions really makes this class more enjoyable.

For this presentation I researched our library database for an article that stood out by bringing up a topic that had yet to be discussed and did not focus on the ambiguity of Bricks sexuality. While it is an intriguing aspect of the play, I feel, like the author of the supplemental reading, that it is really only one part of a complex play. There is so much that Tennessee Williams packs into this play, that there is really a lot of material to cover. So the fact that this article presents so many topics was the deciding factor in picking it.

I personally can identify the idea of being sad about death of innocence and childhood. It is something we all face at some point or another. For instance, in Jack and Kate Plus 8's episode last night, the family took a trip to Disney World. In one of the sit down portions, Kate said that she like going to Disney World because something about it made her embrace her childhood again. But once again, this idea of never growing up and embracing our childhood for a little bit longer is something we face, maybe even for just an instance in our life.

Brick's refusal to embrace his adulthood, as pointed out in the article is something that most teens face upon entering high school, sometimes even college because we gain more responsibility. We loose the possibility (in general of course) that our parents stop taking care of us, babying us, and feeling sympathy over the smallest things. As we are on the precipice of entering the "Real World" we, like Brick, become overwhelmed with the reality of the harsh world. As we venture farther and farther into the world and each year passes, we become more aware of our own age and thus our own morality.

please tell me, I did not talk about Jerry Springer like I watch it every day. =[ I really don't.

1984

2008-09-17T20:27:00.001-07:00

As we prepared for yesterday's presentation, I kept finding myself making obscure connections in my head. Hate Week reminded me of this and that. My particular favorite reference was Disneyland's Small World ride. Don't ask me how or why. I doubt I could make an understandable argument at the moment, funny yes, intelligent, possibly not.

So when we first got into our groups I knew right away that I wanted to help with the academic journal article because I could keep my ramblings to a minimum. SO i set off that night in search of an article that I would be able to tie into the class. I managed to stumble upon Robert Paul Resch's "Utopia, Dystopia, and the Middle Class in George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four" on J-Stor. One thing that really drew me to the article was the focus on Utopia and Dystopia, but the authors use of charts really help visualize what he was talking about.

Within our actual presentation I did not have that much to contribute because of the article issues. You know the funny thing about it is that I was seriously technologically clueless and semi-lazy to actually figure out the best place. It provided a decent laugh and an indulgence in some triple chocolate ice cream to realize that the whole situation was in a way ironic for me.

I hoped everyone enjoyed the presentation and the article, though I realize it was a tad long. I personally am looking forward to participating and viewing other groups presentations. =]

Solitary Confinment.

2008-09-15T22:57:00.000-07:00

Thats right. The kittens have been locked up for the night for being bad. I love those guys so much that my latest decision really sucks ass.

I made up my mind that i have to give them up. =[ I know. Major sadness time. It sucks too, cuz I'll be sitting at work missing them and wondering what they are up to. What am i going to do when they are gone?? I dont know. I already miss them. Hell I miss them when I know I'm just an hour or two away from coming home to them...What's it going to be like when they aren't even here to come home to? Unbearable.

It's days like this where I just want to cuddle up in bed with a nice good book and some chocolate chip ice cream. Alas I have neither. Instead, I have a 7-10 minute play to write, 3 books to finish and several projects to finish up. So the cuddling, reading and ice cream must wait another day.

So bring on the massive amounts of homework that I'm finally able to get done because the boys are locked up for the night.

ps...good tv shows need to come back on to help distract me from the madness.

Media and the Justification of Genocides

2008-09-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

Amen to the idea that groups of people can take their religion to far and use it to justify mass genocides, wars, and such. Throughout our education we have learned about groups of people (radicals if you will or sometimes those in political power) that have taken their their religious and/or political views and used them as a means to justify their violent actions towards others. The Crusades and our own nation's Manifest Destiny are just quick examples.

It is rather fitting that we are talking about this when 9/11 is this Thursday. The people that bombed the Trade Center were terrorists that used their extreme views of religion to rationalize their actions. It is unfortunate that such an even happened, to be sure, but as the anniversary comes upon us, we must remind ourselves that not everyone is an extremist.

In times of extreme crisis, such as what we faced in the following hours and days, it serves the media, the vengeful citizens, as well as the war hungry politicians to portray a whole group of people as blood thirsty terrorists. These images degrade the people that practice the religion as a whole instead of those that take their religious views and push them to their ultimate extreme. The media, the images, and the interpretations we make as humans do a great disservice. That is not to put down the pain and suffering of those families or citizens of our nation and others. Instead, I merely suggest that instead of pointing fingers at a group without thinking, we should instead view media with suspicion as to whom the images serve and what it means to those whom are portrayed.

As in the clip we saw of the masses watching the video screen in 1984, our own media tries to stir up mass feelings of resentment or sympathy by their modified and often limited portrayal of certain events. In some cases, once again, to site 9/11, the repeat image of the second plane being flown into the tower trigger feelings of sadness and anger.

One such time we can look back on as well, is Katrina. Please take a look at this picture and give the captions a close inspection.

Faeries, Bo Peep, and Kats

2008-09-06T17:34:00.000-07:00

Oh man, this has been a long week. I went to Chicago for a few days. Nothing like getting out of town and visiting some friends. Luck however was not on my side...some of you may laugh and i would be right there with you if it wasn't me, but the trip started off with me falling off the train. Yep. Not a good start. A few other bumps along the way, which was rather unfortunate.

But we ended up going to the Renn Faire in Bristol. There were a few interesting things there. This Faerie for one. It's interesting, last year, this faerie was there along with a blue one. The blue seemed to repel everyone, not just because of the coldness of her color but also the way she acted towards everyone. But the Autumn faerie seems to attract people to her, because of her warm colors or even warmer personality? I think it was both. Sitting there watching her interact with children for the past two years makes it clear that some people have it, when others just don't. Either you are a warm person or a cold one, what determines which you will be depends on how you carry yourself and interact with others.

Then we get to Bo Peep and her Sheep...curious? I'd say so. We were at the faire for maybe 5 minutes before we spotted a group of teens dressed up in interesting outfits. How the boys allowed these girls to convince them it was the cool thing to do is still up in the air. Clearly Ms. Bo Peep-ie. miss pink- was the ring leader. The funny thing was they couldn't really understand why people were looking at them weird or making fun of them...Now people, some faire go-ers dress up like Pirates with real parrots, Demons, Wenches, Peasants, and other assortments, but these people understand depending on their costumes, they are likely to get stares or asked to have their picture taken. Apparently not the case, though some people were a little harsh, it's like, what do you expect when you leave the house with out looking in the mirror and go to the wrong type of gathering?? I guess that's what you get sometimes, at least it's free entertainment.

Anyways, I got cats!!!! The one on the left is Kibbles and the one on the Right is Bits. Mind you that is what I'm calling them for now. As much as I like the names, I keep getting laughed at...but I don't care. They both have separate personalities but they are hilarious! They keep tackling each other and pouncing. However, some of their personality traits are not so amusing.

On an off handed note, I've never realized how many people are allergic to cats. Don't worry, if you have cat allergies, I'm stocking up on Benadrill!! I just had to share the excitement!!! yipee!!! Anyways, time to get down to business and do homework =[

Pop Culture and Stereotypes

2008-09-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

In everyday culture we encounter stereotypes and living binaries that shape our views, values, and our actual culture. The interesting thing about studying popular culture is being able to look at and analyze aspects of media in different forms and how they affect us.

In the clips from “Fatal Attraction” we are shown two completely different women. As talked about in class, Glen Close is the scorned lover who is looked down upon by the audience. Why is that? It’s because it is engraved in our mind what is right and what is wrong, who is good and who is bad, but why? It’s something our society does so well, needing to point the finger to place blame someone. Instead of blaming the cheating husband, he merely gets a slap on the wrist in this movie. Due to an unspoken code between women, the possibility that the husband lied about his marital status or whatever other excuse can be made on his behalf is not a major concern. Instead, it is the lover who has wronged the betrayed wife. Instead of taking a different view, “Fatal Attraction” appeals to the masses, in that it presents a view that most women in the United States would agree with, blaming the misdeeds of the husband on the lover.

Another interesting thing that came up in class was the idea in “Ancherman” that the female lead waited to show her approval until others demonstrated that they agreed. It is an idea that has become a popular strategy for ad campaigns. For example the slogan “Hey Mikey likes it!” implies that hey, if he likes it, you have to like it too. This now popular advertising trend has lead society to eat Wheaties, smoke cigarettes, etc. This will only continue as long as we allow it; unfortunately however, it does not look like the advertising companies will give up such a successful approach.

Binaries and Exiled

2008-09-03T10:37:00.000-07:00

The last few class periods have raised some interesting topics that all are important in their own right. Dystopia as a category for the world’s ills brings several of the problems politicians try to “sweep under the rug”.

In the clip from “Sleeper”, it suggested a bleak future to come. A future in which the characters portrayed represents the well off and their tunnel vision that alters their perceptions of issues that the public faces. The clip instantly reminded me of a show that previewed on MTV recently called “Exiled”. The show is a spinoff of their popular “Super Sweet Sixteen” show in which they take these privileged sweet sixteeners out of their privileged lives and place them into real life situations, typically to places that are remote from the rest of civilization. Before the young sweet sixteeners were forced to face the reality of some of the more remote cultures, they had no idea of what was going on in the real world. Much like the teens, the main character in “Sleeper” could not understand what the less fortunate had to complain about life because she had all the amenities there were to enjoy, such as the orgasmatron.

In yesterday’s class period, I was suddenly reminded of how the distinction of black and white came into play during US history. This binary became more prominent when the white settlers had to justify their enslavement of a group of people, whom by their religion were equal in the eyes of God. It was this need for reasoning that created the meaning behind the view of African American slaves as a lesser people. It isn’t until we, as the human race, choose to assign meaning that binaries form their importance

Back to School, Makes You Look Like a Fool.

2008-08-29T19:38:00.000-07:00

As school once again starts back up, we get to see our friends and classmates on a semi-regular basis. It is now that I am once again able to appreciate school and all the opportunities it brings. I'm not just talking about gaining new knowledge or seeing best friends again, but the chance to escape a job, problems, or just escape the annoying people traveling around you.

My first week was great, I saw some great people that I haven't seen in months, another I saw a few weeks ago, and one of my co-workers! It's funny though how some of my friends have noticed somethings that haven't really presented themselves at CSUN in such a large number before. What I'm talking about is 1. Stupidity of people and 2. the increasing size of the average student. While we all complain about the Freshman in our Junior level class or the person we SWEAR is still in high school, there are more students that really just don't pay attention to the obvious signs. Yes, I'm talking about you, the girl in the green dress that tries to hit on the guy in the white pants who has his eyes glued to the boy next to him. Don't think I forgot you, Miss I've Taken this Class Before But Have No Clue About the Human Condition. Everywhere we look we are followed and stalked by these people that have no clue about the reality of the world going on around them, and never are we given a break from their meaningless chatter and annoying questions. When is enough enough we must ask ourselves! We need to stand up in a mass army and herd these people into some sort of college where they drive each other nuts and leave the rest of us alone. Okay, maybe that was a little extreme, but lets be honest with ourselves now, it's not like you haven't thought of it yourself.

Onto my next point. I've had and have overheard several discussions about the increasing size in the CSUN student. While school can be a great workout of the mind in the class and the body while huffing it up stairs and across campus, it clear that this summer has screwed up the progress that the school can do for one's physical condition. While, I have nothing wrong with a person with "much to love" it is difficult to not be annoyed when the person next to you is trying to share some space on your chair. One conversation jokingly said "I blame the economy on the fat people". While please keep in mind that was by people joking around, it can hurt when over heard, but it can also hurt to be sat on or displaced by someone that is not suppose to be sharing your seat. One a more serious point, it is very concerning that the waist line is increasing because of the possible health issues that can arise from these problems. How do we help each other gain a better awareness? While, I don't encourage passing around magazines with size triple zero models, one aspect that could be encouraged is a positive body image where one is happy with their image and takes steps to ensure they are healthy in all aspects of their life.

On a lighter note, if you are a lover of gossip, be careful what you gossip about my friend for it can lead to an impression that can push one's buttons a little harder then one would wish. Where does frustration with one's surroundings suddenly become a dark depression that one is having trouble getting a "leg up" on? It's nice when the conditions and situations in a work environment become so frustrating that it becomes unnecessarily stressful; and when confronted by a co-worker, though thoroughly explained, one is darkly depressed and is in need of learning to re-program their brain to be happy. Yep. That's me. Deeply Depressed...or would it be extremely frustrated???? hmmm....apparently its all the same these days.

Any-who. Have a safe and happy 3 DAY WEEKEND!!!

Earthquakes

2008-08-13T07:55:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, pretty much everyone in the valley felt the aftershocks of the earthquake, a few days ago, an earthquake of another kind found an epicenter in my apartment at 2 am. Since then, things haven't been quite the same.

As you all know, when you fight with your friends or family, things don't go back to the same right away. It's almost been a week now, and instead of trying to find our footing again, we are becoming divided. This is your life and this is mine, with no blending or meshing in sight. Even when we are home, sometimes it just feels like we are at a roadside rest stop marking our presence for only a moment in time. There is no more time for words, shared meals, or even watching tv together. You'd rather be way over there, when I am right here. I've tried reaching out and trying to make the first step to a truce, but really....I can see that it's really all for nothing.

What am I doing? Well I'm just bitching right now because I can't say these words to your face because your never home and you probably won't even read this.

....I hope all of your summers are going well as the last few weeks come to a close.

Worn Down

2008-07-21T10:21:00.001-07:00

There comes a time when we realize how tired and worn down we really are. When a simple weekend just never seems like enough because you have so much you want to do but by the time Sunday night comes around, you realize you accomplished nothing.

We all get worn down once in a while, and it is at that point we need to step back and refocus ourselves. When things get to be too much, walking out should not be the answer, but sometimes there seems to be no other option. What do we do then? Take a deep breath? Some how that does not seem like enough at times. We in turn can look to those around us that we trust to give us additional guidance. The support of friends and family can go a long way as we have all discovered from time to time. So do not underestimate their willingness to be there.

What do we do when we don't get anything accomplished?? Having a screaming fit always sounds like a nice solution. Scream at the people that prohibit you from doing your job, that create more work for you because they don't hold up their end of the bargin. Scream at your roommate, your family, or the people driving really slow on the freeway. All of these sound like amazing releases of frustration but what would that really solve? Unfortunately not much because if we screamed at everyone every time we felt like it, we would all be commited to an insane asylum and would be dosed up on meds for our excurciating headaches.

So what is the solution? Is it to just relax and take it easy? I guess there is no real solution that will solve all of these problems at once. Maybe the real solution is to do it in moderation, some yelling, screaming, crying, and relaxing. It's finding the balance or happy medium that keeps us sane enough to go on about our daily lives.

Lets be open for guidance, love, and suprises.

2008-07-09T10:53:00.000-07:00

As the summer grows old, we look back to the start to evaluate what we have accomplished so far. What have you done this summer, have to rekindled a passion, found a new love, discovered an untold treasure, or reunited with someone from your past? The things that make us look forward to summer can be the smallest, most insignificant, or even the most random things.

The other day I went to my Alma Mater to watch my girls play in summer league. Taking that first step into the gym memories of all the years I spent in there came back. It made me remember how we used to look forward to summer so we could practice and look forward to season. As I watched them play and listened to them, I wondered if they experienced the same feelings. During their games, it was obvious who had the passion, who had the talent, and who was their because of their egos, not just on one team either. Watching them play made we want to find a way to make things work so I could help them. There's nothing more then teaching a team how to do something and watching them progress, however, it is also true that watching them digress and forget everything is as equally frustrating. It of course is more frustrating when they deny that they either ever learned the skills, or when they think they can do it on their own.

To one friend in particular this summer, he has found a new love. The glow that it gives him is almost infectious. We all reminisce from time to time on the feeling of what it was like when love was so new. I wish him the best of luck in love because it seems as though, love is hard to find for all my guy friends. Girls, why is that?? We want love, and they want love...but we can never seem to match up right. We hate them because they "break our hearts" or they did something "stupid". They don't like us because we are "emotional and dramatic".

"How treasure can one cavern hold?" How many surprises can one meeting or one opportunity hold? The amount is endless as long as we keep our minds and hearts open to the possibilities. Who knew that one person could help you meet hundreds more? You wouldn't know until you actually gave them a chance. So why is it that today we are so unwilling to give others the opportunity to change our world? Is it that we are now programmed to be suspicious? Who knows, but I urge us all to be more open for the rest of the summer because I'm tired of being shut down and watching others get shut down.

Opporunities Come Knocking

2008-07-01T21:58:00.000-07:00

When opportunities come and go, we look at the advantages and disadvantages that come with said opportunities. A year ago I would have jumped at the chance to be acknowledge for the contributions I have made over the years to my Alma mater's volleyball program; however, now I'm not so eager.

When I tried to get my job working as a coach for the new season and a new coach last season, I was essentially shut down, ignored, and dismissed. Now that there is a lack of people willing to coach for this head coach, he comes to me asking if I still wish to help. I have seen what this man has done to very respectable programs in the space of one season. Would I be willing to put my reputation as a coach on the line to rediscover a passion? It is hard to say. While weighting the positives and negatives, I must also take into consideration the obligations I now have. If things were different, the decision wouldn't be so hard.

Now here's the question I would pose to any readers of this blog, What makes one opportunity work sacrificing a sure and well paying job for one that is your passion? Being young and naive I once thought that no matter what one should go after their dreams and passions, if one job does not make you happy, find another. However, I can see that it is not so simple as that. (Then again, when are things as simple as one thinks it should be?)

Trust your blinders

2008-06-25T10:10:00.000-07:00

Trust. A Nasty little thing. It leaves one in a vulnerable position at times; however, it can be one of the most blissful concepts around.

When one's trust is betrayed, it leaves scars that run deep that can effect the rest of one's life if you were to let it. Absolute blind faith and trust in someone is admirable but foolish. What makes one so worthy of such trust? In truth nothing makes one worthy because it is programed into every person to survive and part of this instinct is to lie, cheat, and manipulate. While that is not to say that every person will break your trust and scar you for life, these compulsions are just stronger in some while not so much in others.

I've become someone who does not trust so easily. While there are a few people in my life that I absolutely adore and trust, it did not come easy. As I grow older, I realize that trust can make and break relationships. As I am surrounded by new situations day after day, it becomes more apparent that the boundaries that we erect to protect what we trust are often a smoke screen to hide the true nature of our reality. Is it naive to think and hope that what is in front of us is in fact the truth and that what our senses allow us to perceive are things we can trust?

The deceitful side of trust is the fact that when you have trust in someone or something, it leaves you blissfully unaware of the harsh reality. Trust are the blinders we wear to protect ourselves from the truth. When something is as clear as day to everyone around execpt to you, it is because of the refusal to see what is really infront of you and the constant denial in which one lives their life. It's great to be able to take everything at face value, but when the proverbial rug is yanked out from underneath you, it leaves shock and a sense of betrayal in its wake. It leaves you suddenly questioning anything and everything, making you suspicious, paranoid, and scared. (que dramatic music).

so where does this leave us?? Really, lets be honest, being aware that trust is a nasty little concept that is ever changing shape and consistency, changes nothing. We know we can't trust certain people, but we either keep them around or we find someone else exactly like them to replace their now vacant space in our lives. Trust is the blinders we wear and the tides that shift throughout our lives.

First Time for Everything

2008-06-24T20:36:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone

Welcome to my blog. I've come to a point in my life where a lot of new things have been happening lately and I figure this is the best time to actually sit down and start a blog like I've wanted to.

As some of you know, I have just moved out into my own apartment. First time I've been on my own, and first time I have lived somewhere other then the house I came home to in a car seat from the hospital. It's has it's up and its downs, but it's my own. Of course with everything, there comes doubt. Will this work, Will I be happy, Will it be everything I hope it will be. So far, its been pretty good, sometimes quiet, but that will probably change once everything is settled.

A few other changes have happened in my life. I've gained more responsibilities at work. Tonight I discovered that my office manager may be leaving. It got me really thinking about how stressful the office has become lately and how much tension has been in the air. Needless to say, it is not the best working environment and I'm sure a lot, if not all of you have heard me bitch about it from one time to another. This would be another first for an office though. I have contemplated leaving, my newest co-worker, the office manager and the biller all have thought about it. Which leaves the question, how would a hectic trauma surgeons office function with no one there? I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time an office has lost 95% of it's staff, but it would be the first time the doctors would actually see the stress level of our situation and how under-staffed we are.

Recently, I've also began to reach out to old friends. It's definitely interesting to see where people have ended up and how the decisions we've made in the past have shaped them into who they are today. If we've lost touch, I hope you are one of those people, if not, then...why don't you send me a message and we catch up???

Lately, I've had this burning desire to get back into my writing and actually fully develop a story, polish it, and actually finish it. It's always been starting a story with no idea of how it will develop, creating it, then let it collect dust because I turned it in or I hit a wall as to what to do next.

Mostly, I just want to end tonight on the thought of what next "First Time" experience would be the most desirable?