The Mysterious Future

"What if I knew 10 years from now I would meet the love of my life, what would I do with my life until then? What if I knew that I would die tomorrow? Well that would ruin tonight." A rough quote from a recent episode of the CW's Hellcats.

This year has been a rough one for many people. Working in a neurosurgeon's office has made things, such as the value of life and how precious it is, more real over the last four years. Something so little can take the gift of life away in the space between one breath and the next or the snap of a finger. In just the space of 24 hours, I have learned of the death of the relatives of two of my friends.

No death is ever easy, nor is it in any way forgiving on those that are close or most affected but hearing the above quote tonight shifted the focus on something else. That while many of us think it would be great to learn how we would die, or maybe even when, it is the mystery of what life has that makes it all easier to bear. If one were to know how they would die, would one not live in fear for that event to finally occur? Might one even not live their life to the fullest hoping to cheat death by refusing to allow the opportunity of that event to occur?

Not presuming to know exactly what the author of the quote means, I know what I take away from hearing it. The knowledge of when or how we will see that blinding light at the end of the tunnel would ruin the sweet joys of everything proceeding that moment. Would the joys of living be worth actually enjoying if we knew was there to meet us? I suppose some would argue yes, but while I may agree, I cannot help but think those joys maybe a little more tainted as the countdown to that moment dwindled.

To step away for the moment from the saddest portion of the quote, let me focus on the thought of love. I have been known to say that it would be great if I had a map to life, one that did not necessarily tell me exactly when things would occur, rather it be a map that would serve as a summary of basic plot points that would be a reminder that one day, I will get there. While I will not take back those statements, as knowing that there is turbulence ahead or that there was smooth sailing over yonder,  for that would be helpful information!, I do understand that knowing these things may hinder my discovery of joy along the way. If I were to hypothetically know that I would meet the ultimate love of my life 10 years from now, why would I bother to go out on dates and set myself up for unnecessary heartache and heartbreak?

Someone said to me today during a discussion about pending loss that "no matter how bad you think your life is, there is someone whose life is worse". For other reasons not worth mentioning, I forgot about that this afternoon until I received news of the second passing and then watched tonight's episode of Hellcats, then it all came crashing back, making my personal stress tonight seem like the tiny stone it really is in the grand scheme of things, rather than the huge boulder I thought it was in the moment.While the future remains a mystery, it is that mystery that has the capabilities of bring great joy and everlasting memories and it is my friends that help me get through all the negativity and sadness that may ever come my way. I just hope, that for those who have suffered loss, either recently or in years past, that they can say the same thing about their friends.

Change, Moving on, and "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room"

This weekend was one of those with plenty of uphills but plenty of downhills. Tonight though, I am happy to say it has at least leveled off. This weekend was spent in various ways that ranged from taking my father to see one of the remaining P-38 Lightnings fly, learning more about its history to meeting new people to making dinner for my family, all of which have generated memories of their own kind.

Scrolling through blogs over the weekend has helped me remember memories that have otherwise been forgotten, for which I am very glad. Memories of what it is like to meet new people, wondering where they will lead to what it was like to one night long ago sit on a piano bench with a very close friend and watch his fingers as they played the piano's pearly white keys. I hope that life will never just be about the memories already created, that it will be more about living and creating new memories.

The journey so far has been an interesting one and this is just the current chapter in my life. As it progresses, I can't help but think about the concept of moving on. Wondering if somethings are just another "sinking ship" that you wonder presently and later, if you should have gotten off a long time ago. Though I am on my way to being at a good point in my life, I wonder at times when would have been the right time to jump over the rails to swim for shore, if that time was early on and I just chose to ignore the signs or if my timing is not late, but just right. I suppose there is never any one good time because there will always be the danger of sharks, shallow waters due to coral or the hidden stingray with its barbed stinger poised in defense, but what is life worth if you don't take that occasional leap of faith?

Sometimes life calls for testing limits in various way and capacities because why limit yourself by pulling up short when you don't know where those limits truly lay just because of fear or uncertainty? (Better said than done, I agree.) I've pondered this many times in the last few months, even years, in different ways; in addition, to wondering what is actually worth the time and energy when it is so clear that things are going down hill and are not likely to get any better. For each person, I would suppose the answer to this enigma would be different and would change during the different stages of their life. For a child it would certainly be worth the wait to just get a glimpse of Santa Claus to tell that jolly man "Merry Christmas" just once or catch the Tooth fairy as she trades out that lost tooth for a small token. For a young teenage girl, hope would hold out for just a little hint that her crush noticed her as she hides behind her book, shyly smiling at him. For struggling spouses, it might be worth it for a while to put as much time and energy into a sinking relationship, whether for the kids sake or for the hope that their differences can be ironed out.

Bottom line is that as people evolve, so will what their answer will be as it applies to their hopes, dreams, and expectations during that moment in time. While watching videos on YouTube.com tonight, I stumbled across a cover of John Mayer's "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" by Michael Henry and Justin Robinett, I personally love this rendition of the song, though the lyrics are exactly the same. I can see this as it applies to many things in the world like holding onto innocence or dreams/hopes/ideals or a relationship (friendship, professional, or romantic).

While at times the lyrics may seem dark and depressing, I remind myself that while situations do call for letting go and moving on, there is also hope that like a Phoenix, something better, greater, and stronger will rise from "the ashes of yesterday" to begin a new start today. I see endings and moving on from things as the author tying up the ends of one chapter, taking a breather, picking up a pen or the keyboard to begin the journey that will unfold in the following pages, a result of what was learned in those preceding chapter/pages.

While I hope for more than one change and to move on in more than one way this year, I am constantly aware of the things that I have learned and how I have learned them to become the person I am today. While sometimes "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" is painful, it is the event that must occur to lead to what lies ahead, just beyond the bend.

Re-Invention and Discovery

Going back and starting over, isn't this a concept we all face at some point or another? Some of us, more than once. Reinvention of ourselves and who we believe ourselves to be is something that is very important as we are ever evolving.

Recently, I have decided to make some changes in my life that may have been a long time coming. A part of this I suppose is rediscovering this blog and revisiting some of it's posts. In some ways I have grown and yet other ways I have stayed the same. That is really to be expected though as we all grow over time. We learn to constantly evolve as humans, drawing lessons from experiences, people around us, and things we observe. It would only be natural to take a moment out of the busy lives we lead to really digest those tidbits of information that we have stored tosee how these events and encounters have really changed us and our outlook.

It really defines someone to be able to look externally at ourselves and see how those things have changed us for the better, and more importantly, the worse. I'm not saying this applies to myself as I am constantly learning about who I am and who I continue to be. However, lately I have gone on interviews and something is constantly being addressed during the process of them all. They ask how I feel about the tasks I perform on a scale of 1-10, 1 needing lots of improvement and 10 being perfect. Every time I am asked, I answer honestly, that I feel nothing I do will ever be a 10, that nothing I do will ever reach perfection to the point where nothing else can be done to enhance the tasks I perform, the way I perform them, or the way I handle the situation. This is for the simple reason that those who feel they are "perfect" have not learned everything they can in a given situation. I suppose this goes hand in hand with re-invention and the process of evolution in its many forms.

When someone feels they have achieve absolute perfection, they are actually faulted into believing they know everything there is to learn about a task, process, idea, themselves, etc. It would be in this time that they will actually learn the least and thus become obsolete as the world passes them by and new technology, procedures, as well as, knowledge itself evolves into something more sophisticated based off of it's previous form and state. Life and existence is a constantly changing force as the effect of outside influences cannot always be  predicted or foreseen due to the many various unpredictable factors involved.

Realizing our faults and that there is always room for improvement in the way we are constructed, the things we believe, and the way we exist will only allow us to see further growth in ourselves and our society. As a landscape changes by the river that flows at its banks, we must also realize that forces beyond our control will also be making efforts of their own to change the shape and scope of existence and knowledge. These changes that will be seen in our own lives on a small scale and/or the world on a larger scale depending on the forces at hand. Things are not always singular as "I" or one but are often more complex structures of multiples and it is in dealing with the multiples and realizing that things go beyond the singular is where the challenge often lies.

The evolution of all of these concepts and the rediscovery of them with the new found knowledge will lead to re-invention of a simple idea or concept, identity or being, solution or challenge. In all of these, is where changes can be made on a small scale to be implemented later on a larger, more complex scale. Starting small, by either publishing this post or taking the time to read what I have written, will cause the effect of change later on a larger scale, by restarting my life as a blogger or learning new ways to do things, and yet go on to cause the effect of change on a bigger after that. Call it a pyramid of re-invention or whatever you will, I just know that by deciding a few weeks ago the time for change was now, the process of re-invention of myself has started.

I hope to in the coming weeks to learn more about myself and what/who is really important to me. It will be an interesting journey that maybe full of potholes on bad days and excessive uphill speed on good days. For tonight though, I am more content with where I maybe heading than I have been in a long time. I hope the process will allow me to re-invent and rediscover my own knowledge of myself into a self that is everything I hope to become and take notes of what I want to be in the future.

Cleaning Up

EEEkkkkk!! the semester is coming to an end and I am losing my mind! So many things to do that I can't really keep track. So what do I do instead of doing my homework or projects or God forbid listening to my professor, I'm trying to clean up my life in more ways than one. Getting rid of some stuff is surprisingly-almost disturbingly-easy, others as you imagine, not so much.

I got an email the other day from a-dare I call him-former friend. We had a major falling out last semester and haven't spoken since. I've moved on, by realizing that somethings aren't worth the energy of constantly stressing over. I had pretty much put him out of my mind, until the other day. I received an email from him. He apologized and said he wanted to give our friendship another chance as he was graduating in May.

Looking at the words on my screen, I found myself annoyed. I never asked for an apology, nor did I ever want one. I look at college as a growing experience, I have made mistakes, regret a few things, and I have learned a lot. From this particular relationship I learned about myself, who I wanted as a friend, and where I draw the line. Maybe he was right calling me childish for reasons beyond my comprehension, and if he was right, then well I have grown.

If your wondering, I have yet to respond and honestly doubt that I will. Not because I want to spite him, but I really don't feel the need to. Maybe that in itself is childish, and maybe even writing this blog is childish, but I honestly felt like I am moving on from this and this is my final note on the matter. As this experience comes to a close, this aspect of my life and this former friendship is also closed and put behind me.

Ain't No Doubt About It

So much has happened this last week, it has almost been overwhelming. But who cares about Moby Dick, struggles with writing, and back pain when there is so much more going on!!!

The more positive things: I bought No Doubt Paramore Tickets...which cost me a pretty penny, as I accidentally bought tickets for the wrong date then had to hustle my ass to get tickets to the night I really wanted. I'm just happy to go see Paramore!!!! (One of my guilty pleasures)

Aside from this, I have been able to take 5 seconds out of this week to appreciate the fact that I have what I do. On Monday, my cousin had brain surgery which could alter his life in many ways, for better and worse. At the moment things are looking up for him and the family, which is a big relief. This especially as I have had many aspects of my job where I have had to skirt the issue that our older doctor passed away a month and a half ago. Today an insurance company requested a letter certified from him in order to process something for another one of our doctors. I asked how they proposed to do that, when I am SURE Dr. Richland is somewhere surrounded by adorable and gorgeous women, with better things to do then write letters to insurance companies from beyond the grave.

Two years now and I have seen some interesting things, dealt with various annoyance and allowed myself to adjust to the surroundings of the office. In hard times such as these, many of my friends are graduating from college, high school, and different other stages in their life that lead them to a world that is not so open to new additions. This recession is hard on everyone, but I have noticed this is especially true for these graduating students. What do we do as we get out there, in a society where there is not many opportunities? It's difficult to establish our roots or beginnings when there is no where available to plant.

Difficult times, man, Difficult times. Lets be thankful that we have our lives, health, friends, and education (no matter how little or how much)

Don't bank on it.

I've been neglecting my poor friend i know, but there have been many things that I have been choosing to ignore the last few weeks. Like to go to grad school or not, being told my work was "unbalanced", other odds and ends at home. Finally there was something that I am not so able to ignore as it kinda screws with my ability to only depend on myself at the moment.


Thats right, Thursday night, I had nothing better to do and thought it would be fun to put my car up on the embankment of the interchange. As my mom said this morning, I caused a sig alert for the first time, and hopefully last time of my life. I lost control of my car and spun out, hitting a little curb, spinning again, hitting it again, then the spinning again to end up with my butt lodged in the dirt embankment.

What I'm really bummed about is everyone yelled at me to not get out of my car, so i have no pictures to share of my handiwork. =[ The biggest tragedy of this whole mess, I'm sure. But I have to say, I have never been more terrified that my car was going to roll and that I may not make it home. Only have I had thoughts like this two times in my life, ironically-or not-it was the night the breaks went out on my first car. (I have great luck don't I? Honestly, I'm seriously dreading that saying about the "third time")

I know how extremely lucky I have been both times, to come out only psychologically worse for wear, with my car once again in the shop. Everyone we talk to tells me that they know "THAT CURVE". In fact, the extremely lovely tow truck guy who was on his second hour of overtime, told us that a few days prior, he was changing a tire on that same curve when a car came up and rolled four times. So yes, I know how lucky I am to still be here, to be able to experience the pain in the ass moments life inevitably dishes out.

So my friends, Know that I love you and Cherish you. So have fun, but please drive safe, and what do you say about taking care of yourself?

Patterns, Symbols, and Motifs

Narrative theory. Who thought there was this much to say about simply writing a story. Though, in all honestly, it's not really about narrative theory, more rather of a deconstruction version of looking at literature....once again.

As we go over the misreading of signs, it becomes clear once again, that when not thinking clearly, or for one's self, one can be lead astray. At the point where they realize they are off track, one must once again find their way back onto their own path.

This applies to many things right? Discovery of one's future, purpose, or being is a journey in which we are often lead astray by many things that distract us along the way. Am I going off course by finishing my college life at this stage? For a over simplified explanation that is simply, I am tired of school and there is no reason to continue school at this stage when I'm not even sure what I want to do. I suppose some of the theory examined today would suggest I am getting off track and need to once again discover where I am in relation to who I am and what/where I want to be.

How many times do we get off track from our real purpose or goals? I'm sure more then we ourselves would realize.

REJOYCE!!!

After many year of separation, I get the message that one of the bestest best people in the WORLD is coming back to town! And I am Soooo freaking excited because I love this guy like no other, he's like the brother I never had. I can't tell you how much shit we've been through together and with him coming back, I will have another piece of my heart back!!!

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE my bff and my bro

Tetris, a New Treatment?

Some assignments lead you to startling new advise, ideas, etc. My last health assignment requires the students to find different health articles and summarize them. The latest article I summarized talked about the effects that playing Tetris may have on those that have witness traumatic events.

In the study, they showed both a control group and a variant group the same violent videos and pictures. The control group sat in a room while the variant group played Tetris. This group was less likely to experience reoccurring nightmares or flashbacks from the video and pictures.

Is it possible that the brain may only be able to handle doing so much at a given time that it is unable to process the images seen and the activity/facilities necessary to play Tetris at the same time? It's an interesting concept that instead of desensitizing soldiers and victims or witnesses of crime, we can simply overload their minds with an old fashion game? When does this stop being effective?

As gaming continues to grow in popularity, will this type of treatment have a postitive effect on children who grew up in abusive atmospheres? Will it help them heal, or worse, will it desensitize them into thinking things are okay? Clearly, there is no real answer to my questions yet, but will there be one day? Are we becoming to dependent on technology and the effects they have on the brain to find other solutions or alternatives?

C.O.D.

What is it? was the question my professor asked the class. Easy question deserves the most obvious answer right? But sometimes shouting out "CAUSE OF DEATH" is not a good idea. When giving the "obvious answer" one needs to take into consideration what class they are actually in. A lesson, so recently discovered by me. For what would have been an appropriate answer if I were in my health class, was the WRONG answer for my accounting class.

Yes, I know...brilliance.

"I caught myself, I had to stop myself,
from saying something I should have never thought"