Goodbye Kittens, Hello Broken Heart

Today was one of the hardest days for me. I gave up my kittens to a Cat Rescue lady. It was difficult enough to even find someone to take them. Apparently it's Kitten Season and all the shelters are full or over capacity to store them. My dad and I called over 100 places before we finally found someone willing to take them as long as we paid for the kitty shots.

So we rush to my apartment where I am literally balling my eyes out as I pack them into their little carry box. Of course they knew something was wrong and tried to get away. We make the drive out to Burbank's Petco and hand my babies over to the lady in charge. They take Kibbles and Bits out of their carrying case and already begin to debate names for them. In their new cages, Kibbles and Bits look at me as if I've betrayed them and it simply broke my heart. Standing there sobbing as I lean against their cage, some lady comes up and offers words of "comfort", saying "Don't worry we don't kill them, we keep them until they find a home." As if this is a consolation to my breaking heart. I don't think so.

Now home, I am trying to console myself by lying to myself...makes sense? I worry about my kittens and if they will be able to stay together, will they get a good home, will they find someone who will love them to pieces like they deserve? I tell myself they will, I tell myself it is for the best, and the biggest bullshit lie, that I loved them enough to let them go. I hope this is all true, but right now they all seem like selfish lies that are designed to make me feel better about this decision.

And so I come to these pondering thoughts. Why is it that when my fish died when I was young, as well as a few years ago, I didn't shed a single tear, but now that I give my kittens into the care of another, I cannot help but turn into a blubbering, heartbroken mess? I suppose it is because I felt a certain detachment from Freckles, the fish. I never cared enough maybe. With the kittens, they forced me to care, butting their way into my heart and fussing around in my heart until there was more then enough room to love them. For now, I will continue to miss them, and more then likely continue to cry, but I would like to share some of my memories with you.