The Mysterious Future

"What if I knew 10 years from now I would meet the love of my life, what would I do with my life until then? What if I knew that I would die tomorrow? Well that would ruin tonight." A rough quote from a recent episode of the CW's Hellcats.

This year has been a rough one for many people. Working in a neurosurgeon's office has made things, such as the value of life and how precious it is, more real over the last four years. Something so little can take the gift of life away in the space between one breath and the next or the snap of a finger. In just the space of 24 hours, I have learned of the death of the relatives of two of my friends.

No death is ever easy, nor is it in any way forgiving on those that are close or most affected but hearing the above quote tonight shifted the focus on something else. That while many of us think it would be great to learn how we would die, or maybe even when, it is the mystery of what life has that makes it all easier to bear. If one were to know how they would die, would one not live in fear for that event to finally occur? Might one even not live their life to the fullest hoping to cheat death by refusing to allow the opportunity of that event to occur?

Not presuming to know exactly what the author of the quote means, I know what I take away from hearing it. The knowledge of when or how we will see that blinding light at the end of the tunnel would ruin the sweet joys of everything proceeding that moment. Would the joys of living be worth actually enjoying if we knew was there to meet us? I suppose some would argue yes, but while I may agree, I cannot help but think those joys maybe a little more tainted as the countdown to that moment dwindled.

To step away for the moment from the saddest portion of the quote, let me focus on the thought of love. I have been known to say that it would be great if I had a map to life, one that did not necessarily tell me exactly when things would occur, rather it be a map that would serve as a summary of basic plot points that would be a reminder that one day, I will get there. While I will not take back those statements, as knowing that there is turbulence ahead or that there was smooth sailing over yonder,  for that would be helpful information!, I do understand that knowing these things may hinder my discovery of joy along the way. If I were to hypothetically know that I would meet the ultimate love of my life 10 years from now, why would I bother to go out on dates and set myself up for unnecessary heartache and heartbreak?

Someone said to me today during a discussion about pending loss that "no matter how bad you think your life is, there is someone whose life is worse". For other reasons not worth mentioning, I forgot about that this afternoon until I received news of the second passing and then watched tonight's episode of Hellcats, then it all came crashing back, making my personal stress tonight seem like the tiny stone it really is in the grand scheme of things, rather than the huge boulder I thought it was in the moment.While the future remains a mystery, it is that mystery that has the capabilities of bring great joy and everlasting memories and it is my friends that help me get through all the negativity and sadness that may ever come my way. I just hope, that for those who have suffered loss, either recently or in years past, that they can say the same thing about their friends.

Change, Moving on, and "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room"

This weekend was one of those with plenty of uphills but plenty of downhills. Tonight though, I am happy to say it has at least leveled off. This weekend was spent in various ways that ranged from taking my father to see one of the remaining P-38 Lightnings fly, learning more about its history to meeting new people to making dinner for my family, all of which have generated memories of their own kind.

Scrolling through blogs over the weekend has helped me remember memories that have otherwise been forgotten, for which I am very glad. Memories of what it is like to meet new people, wondering where they will lead to what it was like to one night long ago sit on a piano bench with a very close friend and watch his fingers as they played the piano's pearly white keys. I hope that life will never just be about the memories already created, that it will be more about living and creating new memories.

The journey so far has been an interesting one and this is just the current chapter in my life. As it progresses, I can't help but think about the concept of moving on. Wondering if somethings are just another "sinking ship" that you wonder presently and later, if you should have gotten off a long time ago. Though I am on my way to being at a good point in my life, I wonder at times when would have been the right time to jump over the rails to swim for shore, if that time was early on and I just chose to ignore the signs or if my timing is not late, but just right. I suppose there is never any one good time because there will always be the danger of sharks, shallow waters due to coral or the hidden stingray with its barbed stinger poised in defense, but what is life worth if you don't take that occasional leap of faith?

Sometimes life calls for testing limits in various way and capacities because why limit yourself by pulling up short when you don't know where those limits truly lay just because of fear or uncertainty? (Better said than done, I agree.) I've pondered this many times in the last few months, even years, in different ways; in addition, to wondering what is actually worth the time and energy when it is so clear that things are going down hill and are not likely to get any better. For each person, I would suppose the answer to this enigma would be different and would change during the different stages of their life. For a child it would certainly be worth the wait to just get a glimpse of Santa Claus to tell that jolly man "Merry Christmas" just once or catch the Tooth fairy as she trades out that lost tooth for a small token. For a young teenage girl, hope would hold out for just a little hint that her crush noticed her as she hides behind her book, shyly smiling at him. For struggling spouses, it might be worth it for a while to put as much time and energy into a sinking relationship, whether for the kids sake or for the hope that their differences can be ironed out.

Bottom line is that as people evolve, so will what their answer will be as it applies to their hopes, dreams, and expectations during that moment in time. While watching videos on YouTube.com tonight, I stumbled across a cover of John Mayer's "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" by Michael Henry and Justin Robinett, I personally love this rendition of the song, though the lyrics are exactly the same. I can see this as it applies to many things in the world like holding onto innocence or dreams/hopes/ideals or a relationship (friendship, professional, or romantic).

While at times the lyrics may seem dark and depressing, I remind myself that while situations do call for letting go and moving on, there is also hope that like a Phoenix, something better, greater, and stronger will rise from "the ashes of yesterday" to begin a new start today. I see endings and moving on from things as the author tying up the ends of one chapter, taking a breather, picking up a pen or the keyboard to begin the journey that will unfold in the following pages, a result of what was learned in those preceding chapter/pages.

While I hope for more than one change and to move on in more than one way this year, I am constantly aware of the things that I have learned and how I have learned them to become the person I am today. While sometimes "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" is painful, it is the event that must occur to lead to what lies ahead, just beyond the bend.

Re-Invention and Discovery

Going back and starting over, isn't this a concept we all face at some point or another? Some of us, more than once. Reinvention of ourselves and who we believe ourselves to be is something that is very important as we are ever evolving.

Recently, I have decided to make some changes in my life that may have been a long time coming. A part of this I suppose is rediscovering this blog and revisiting some of it's posts. In some ways I have grown and yet other ways I have stayed the same. That is really to be expected though as we all grow over time. We learn to constantly evolve as humans, drawing lessons from experiences, people around us, and things we observe. It would only be natural to take a moment out of the busy lives we lead to really digest those tidbits of information that we have stored tosee how these events and encounters have really changed us and our outlook.

It really defines someone to be able to look externally at ourselves and see how those things have changed us for the better, and more importantly, the worse. I'm not saying this applies to myself as I am constantly learning about who I am and who I continue to be. However, lately I have gone on interviews and something is constantly being addressed during the process of them all. They ask how I feel about the tasks I perform on a scale of 1-10, 1 needing lots of improvement and 10 being perfect. Every time I am asked, I answer honestly, that I feel nothing I do will ever be a 10, that nothing I do will ever reach perfection to the point where nothing else can be done to enhance the tasks I perform, the way I perform them, or the way I handle the situation. This is for the simple reason that those who feel they are "perfect" have not learned everything they can in a given situation. I suppose this goes hand in hand with re-invention and the process of evolution in its many forms.

When someone feels they have achieve absolute perfection, they are actually faulted into believing they know everything there is to learn about a task, process, idea, themselves, etc. It would be in this time that they will actually learn the least and thus become obsolete as the world passes them by and new technology, procedures, as well as, knowledge itself evolves into something more sophisticated based off of it's previous form and state. Life and existence is a constantly changing force as the effect of outside influences cannot always be  predicted or foreseen due to the many various unpredictable factors involved.

Realizing our faults and that there is always room for improvement in the way we are constructed, the things we believe, and the way we exist will only allow us to see further growth in ourselves and our society. As a landscape changes by the river that flows at its banks, we must also realize that forces beyond our control will also be making efforts of their own to change the shape and scope of existence and knowledge. These changes that will be seen in our own lives on a small scale and/or the world on a larger scale depending on the forces at hand. Things are not always singular as "I" or one but are often more complex structures of multiples and it is in dealing with the multiples and realizing that things go beyond the singular is where the challenge often lies.

The evolution of all of these concepts and the rediscovery of them with the new found knowledge will lead to re-invention of a simple idea or concept, identity or being, solution or challenge. In all of these, is where changes can be made on a small scale to be implemented later on a larger, more complex scale. Starting small, by either publishing this post or taking the time to read what I have written, will cause the effect of change later on a larger scale, by restarting my life as a blogger or learning new ways to do things, and yet go on to cause the effect of change on a bigger after that. Call it a pyramid of re-invention or whatever you will, I just know that by deciding a few weeks ago the time for change was now, the process of re-invention of myself has started.

I hope to in the coming weeks to learn more about myself and what/who is really important to me. It will be an interesting journey that maybe full of potholes on bad days and excessive uphill speed on good days. For tonight though, I am more content with where I maybe heading than I have been in a long time. I hope the process will allow me to re-invent and rediscover my own knowledge of myself into a self that is everything I hope to become and take notes of what I want to be in the future.