Cleaning Up

EEEkkkkk!! the semester is coming to an end and I am losing my mind! So many things to do that I can't really keep track. So what do I do instead of doing my homework or projects or God forbid listening to my professor, I'm trying to clean up my life in more ways than one. Getting rid of some stuff is surprisingly-almost disturbingly-easy, others as you imagine, not so much.

I got an email the other day from a-dare I call him-former friend. We had a major falling out last semester and haven't spoken since. I've moved on, by realizing that somethings aren't worth the energy of constantly stressing over. I had pretty much put him out of my mind, until the other day. I received an email from him. He apologized and said he wanted to give our friendship another chance as he was graduating in May.

Looking at the words on my screen, I found myself annoyed. I never asked for an apology, nor did I ever want one. I look at college as a growing experience, I have made mistakes, regret a few things, and I have learned a lot. From this particular relationship I learned about myself, who I wanted as a friend, and where I draw the line. Maybe he was right calling me childish for reasons beyond my comprehension, and if he was right, then well I have grown.

If your wondering, I have yet to respond and honestly doubt that I will. Not because I want to spite him, but I really don't feel the need to. Maybe that in itself is childish, and maybe even writing this blog is childish, but I honestly felt like I am moving on from this and this is my final note on the matter. As this experience comes to a close, this aspect of my life and this former friendship is also closed and put behind me.

Ain't No Doubt About It

So much has happened this last week, it has almost been overwhelming. But who cares about Moby Dick, struggles with writing, and back pain when there is so much more going on!!!

The more positive things: I bought No Doubt Paramore Tickets...which cost me a pretty penny, as I accidentally bought tickets for the wrong date then had to hustle my ass to get tickets to the night I really wanted. I'm just happy to go see Paramore!!!! (One of my guilty pleasures)

Aside from this, I have been able to take 5 seconds out of this week to appreciate the fact that I have what I do. On Monday, my cousin had brain surgery which could alter his life in many ways, for better and worse. At the moment things are looking up for him and the family, which is a big relief. This especially as I have had many aspects of my job where I have had to skirt the issue that our older doctor passed away a month and a half ago. Today an insurance company requested a letter certified from him in order to process something for another one of our doctors. I asked how they proposed to do that, when I am SURE Dr. Richland is somewhere surrounded by adorable and gorgeous women, with better things to do then write letters to insurance companies from beyond the grave.

Two years now and I have seen some interesting things, dealt with various annoyance and allowed myself to adjust to the surroundings of the office. In hard times such as these, many of my friends are graduating from college, high school, and different other stages in their life that lead them to a world that is not so open to new additions. This recession is hard on everyone, but I have noticed this is especially true for these graduating students. What do we do as we get out there, in a society where there is not many opportunities? It's difficult to establish our roots or beginnings when there is no where available to plant.

Difficult times, man, Difficult times. Lets be thankful that we have our lives, health, friends, and education (no matter how little or how much)

Don't bank on it.

I've been neglecting my poor friend i know, but there have been many things that I have been choosing to ignore the last few weeks. Like to go to grad school or not, being told my work was "unbalanced", other odds and ends at home. Finally there was something that I am not so able to ignore as it kinda screws with my ability to only depend on myself at the moment.


Thats right, Thursday night, I had nothing better to do and thought it would be fun to put my car up on the embankment of the interchange. As my mom said this morning, I caused a sig alert for the first time, and hopefully last time of my life. I lost control of my car and spun out, hitting a little curb, spinning again, hitting it again, then the spinning again to end up with my butt lodged in the dirt embankment.

What I'm really bummed about is everyone yelled at me to not get out of my car, so i have no pictures to share of my handiwork. =[ The biggest tragedy of this whole mess, I'm sure. But I have to say, I have never been more terrified that my car was going to roll and that I may not make it home. Only have I had thoughts like this two times in my life, ironically-or not-it was the night the breaks went out on my first car. (I have great luck don't I? Honestly, I'm seriously dreading that saying about the "third time")

I know how extremely lucky I have been both times, to come out only psychologically worse for wear, with my car once again in the shop. Everyone we talk to tells me that they know "THAT CURVE". In fact, the extremely lovely tow truck guy who was on his second hour of overtime, told us that a few days prior, he was changing a tire on that same curve when a car came up and rolled four times. So yes, I know how lucky I am to still be here, to be able to experience the pain in the ass moments life inevitably dishes out.

So my friends, Know that I love you and Cherish you. So have fun, but please drive safe, and what do you say about taking care of yourself?

Patterns, Symbols, and Motifs

Narrative theory. Who thought there was this much to say about simply writing a story. Though, in all honestly, it's not really about narrative theory, more rather of a deconstruction version of looking at literature....once again.

As we go over the misreading of signs, it becomes clear once again, that when not thinking clearly, or for one's self, one can be lead astray. At the point where they realize they are off track, one must once again find their way back onto their own path.

This applies to many things right? Discovery of one's future, purpose, or being is a journey in which we are often lead astray by many things that distract us along the way. Am I going off course by finishing my college life at this stage? For a over simplified explanation that is simply, I am tired of school and there is no reason to continue school at this stage when I'm not even sure what I want to do. I suppose some of the theory examined today would suggest I am getting off track and need to once again discover where I am in relation to who I am and what/where I want to be.

How many times do we get off track from our real purpose or goals? I'm sure more then we ourselves would realize.

REJOYCE!!!

After many year of separation, I get the message that one of the bestest best people in the WORLD is coming back to town! And I am Soooo freaking excited because I love this guy like no other, he's like the brother I never had. I can't tell you how much shit we've been through together and with him coming back, I will have another piece of my heart back!!!

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE my bff and my bro

Tetris, a New Treatment?

Some assignments lead you to startling new advise, ideas, etc. My last health assignment requires the students to find different health articles and summarize them. The latest article I summarized talked about the effects that playing Tetris may have on those that have witness traumatic events.

In the study, they showed both a control group and a variant group the same violent videos and pictures. The control group sat in a room while the variant group played Tetris. This group was less likely to experience reoccurring nightmares or flashbacks from the video and pictures.

Is it possible that the brain may only be able to handle doing so much at a given time that it is unable to process the images seen and the activity/facilities necessary to play Tetris at the same time? It's an interesting concept that instead of desensitizing soldiers and victims or witnesses of crime, we can simply overload their minds with an old fashion game? When does this stop being effective?

As gaming continues to grow in popularity, will this type of treatment have a postitive effect on children who grew up in abusive atmospheres? Will it help them heal, or worse, will it desensitize them into thinking things are okay? Clearly, there is no real answer to my questions yet, but will there be one day? Are we becoming to dependent on technology and the effects they have on the brain to find other solutions or alternatives?

C.O.D.

What is it? was the question my professor asked the class. Easy question deserves the most obvious answer right? But sometimes shouting out "CAUSE OF DEATH" is not a good idea. When giving the "obvious answer" one needs to take into consideration what class they are actually in. A lesson, so recently discovered by me. For what would have been an appropriate answer if I were in my health class, was the WRONG answer for my accounting class.

Yes, I know...brilliance.

"I caught myself, I had to stop myself,
from saying something I should have never thought"

College, The Final Chapter.

It's amazing how this last semester fills me with dread, hope, and some other unidentifiable mixture of feelings. As I sit waiting for the last few pages of the chapter about my undergraduate college life come to a close, I sit on the verge of something new.

The view is tantalizing, sensational, and glorifying, while it is also terrifying and ominous as the day of graduation creeps nearer. This roller coaster ride has had it's share of peaks, spins, and daring drops, but it has been gratifying for all the things I have achieved and been able to survive the last few years. Who thought I would make it to the finish line this fast? Certainly not myself, but what does that matter? I'm here now, rushing ahead with my chin up and eyes open a little wider to take every last detail in.

Sitting in my Narrative Writing class, I'm struck with the funny feeling that this maybe the last time that I will be able to write in such a setting where I can be free and allowed to make any error that I wish regardless of my intent, to not be forced to develop something I do not wish to. These last few weeks I have had a dry spell in my writing, really rare, but not totally unexpected. I walk into class and suddenly hundreds of ideas come rushing at me with the speed of light. I can't wait to pick up the proverbial pen to get those last few drops of ink out before someone thrust another one into my hand. Will this new pen be something more than I could every dream? I have no clue, but until that moment comes I will enjoy the last few strokes that this beloved one still has left within it's body.

What is the future? What are we to embark upon next? Walking down the halls on campus and in the class room, so many people are talking about today's historic events. Where were you the day Obama was sworn into office? I can only reply sitting in my Accounting class, thinking of food to keep me awake. Will this be a beginning to a new era? It looks hopeful, yet is the future still clouded with decisions that have still yet to be made?

The first thing people ask when they hear you are on the doorstep of graduation, they ask what do you plan to do after graduation with your life. I have no plans yet, just a vague idea of what I wish my future to contain. I'm okay with that. I see no reason to plan out my future, is that so wrong? I have goals and I have dreams that I wish to achieve, but who doesn't? I just don't feel the pressing need to decide which path to take when I finish the one I am currently on. I figure, when I get there, I get there, when I find it, it will be there. What's the rush to grow up and move into the real world?

Rough Road Ahead

Ever wish that life would just hold up a traffic sign that would tell you that there is going to be some bumps in the road or turbulence in the air? It would certainly make things easier because one would think we would be better prepared for whatever it was life decided to throw at us.

This last week was especially rough yet peaceful. I went back to school on Monday so my schedule was like this:

7:10 Wake up and get out of the apartment
7:30 Find parking at Pierce
8:00-12:25 Accounting
1:00-5:00ish Work
7:00 Head back to Pierce to find parking
7:30-10:00 Health

Pretty hectic with a lot of driving involved, but what can you do? If it helps you reach your goals, then why the hell not deal with it for a few more weeks. But that isn't really the rough road. (Although coming into work sometimes was pretty rough) Wednesday I get a call from my mother, my grandfather was admitted to the hospital. Thursday I get a call from my dad, my grandmother was admitted to the hospital. Friday we get a call at work that one of our doctors passed away.

It was a very sad and unpredictable end to the week that is for sure. But as we stood in the office and grieved, we realized that our lives were forever changed by Dr. Richland and for that we became different people by just knowing him. It was clear every time he came into the office that he brought a smile to everyone's face and that we suddenly became alive when he walked through the door. Through him we knew courage, strength, love, and compassion. Even though he has passed, it is something we will always carry within us and something that will always make us smile whenever we hear his name or see his picture.

Not typically a peaceful week right? For some reason though, I was able to do a lot of evaluation of my life and surround myself with people I care about. Last night was a culmination of it with a badly timed comment, dinner, a fake birthday, and a movie. Every night this week, I went to sleep feeling oddly at peace with myself, who I am and where I'm at in my life. Maybe it was all the exhaustion taking its toll but for once in a really long time I was able to close my eyes knowing more about myself then I have recently.

Maybe it is the rough roads or the spontaneous detours that give us the opportunity to settle our minds and focus on the basics where we learn the most about ourselves. Then again, maybe it is just the simple focuses on how to just get through today where we realize where the excess baggage is.

Such A Girl

My Mergan reminded me of one of the most basic facts the other day. That I am a Girl. I suppose it is not so out of the blue.

Background needs to be filled in a little I suppose. Most of my guy friends think of me either as Sam with my own quirks or as one of the guys because no subject is really off limits and I share many of their views regarding other girls, relationships, and life. When I do something out of their normal Sam Ideas, a flag goes up saying GIRL Alert. Not that I really mind, nor do I ever take offense.

Anyways, this came up because I told him I had plans to see Twilight for a second time with one of my girlfriends. He asked why I would do such a thing and my response was because I wanted to stare at Robert Pattinson for another 120 minutes. Yeah, I have the veggie vamp fever. But in my own defense I liked him Pre-Twilight. so HA!

But, it is times like these when most of my friends come up with no response or one that is just like his, That I am Such a Girl. While i cannot help it, I find it amusing and great. It's good to keep those around you on their toes and enjoyable to watch for their reactions.

The Single Life

Have you ever encountered someone who intrigued you to moment you met them? Someone that immediately you knew you wanted to know more about? You decide to take the chance and try to learn more about them. Gradually maybe you do start to develop something with the thought that maybe that person will be the answer to that illusive something that has been missing, whether as a girlfriend or boyfriend or just a plain old friend. Maybe they will add that excitement or become that companion you have been missing. Either way you learn more about them and begin to question what drew you to them in the first place. Hopefully you find that missing link. If not then it just makes you realize that maybe you need to be looking for something different.

In an extended sense, does this not also apply to long term relationships? When those relationships come to a point where you just question why that certain someone held your interest for so long. How do you let go of all that time and energy you invested into that relationship, when you still may have some sort of feelings for them? Is it that the relationship is just lacking the excitement it once had or maybe that the boredom have festered into something that no longer can be shocked to life.

A girlfriend and I were recently talking over dinner about relationships and being single. We realize that each situation has its own set of challenges but deep down we really wish that they didn’t. That is in the sense that how does one meet someone these days? One of our friends advertises in the personal section on Craigslist. Not for us. Picking up some random guy at the bar. Not for us either. Meeting someone at work. Definitely not likely. You see, we are still stuck with the question of where to go and what to do about meeting new people.

We both want something more from our lives and to fill that gap of companionship with someone more than a friend. But there seems to be no real way to find that one special person that really appeals to us. Is it that we are being too picky? I’m not sure. What I am sure about however is that need that constantly keeps me thinking that something is lacking in my life. Occasionally it can be filled with dinner with a friend or a night in reading a good book, but that is only a small solution to this growing need.

Now some of you may be thinking that maybe it’s just my biological clock telling me to hurry up and meet the right guy. I can assure you it’s not that. It’s not that I want to find someone to have kids with; I am in no hurry for that. I just want someone to be with, someone to love and someone to cherish and have that someone feel that way about me as well. Maybe it’s selfish, but knowing what love was like at in my teens, I want that again. I want that feeling of completion and belonging that once felt, it’s hard to not want it again. At this point I would even settle for infatuation. (Though a celebrity crush is hardly enough to be considered as infatuation when you don’t even know that person.)